Tyler

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Tyler is a small Texas town with a bad case of Elephantitis of the ego. Situated in beautiful East Texas, it sits like a big, ugly blight amongst lovely pine forests. However, Tyler residents are quick to tell you that their city is one of the most beautiful in the country, citing the existence of both trees and grass to back up their position, and glossing over the graffiti covered "downtown" area and the prevalence of mulleted redneck men driving their signature "Oh God, My Penis Is So Small" jacked-up, chrome-dripping, custom-grilled, gas-guzzling pickup trucks. Also present in visually disturbing quantity are:

And you thought this died out with the 80s... Not in Texas, it didn't!(1)
  • Big-haired chicks with leathery skin and fake boobs
  • Confederate flag decals, stickers, tattoos, signs, wall-hangings, and bedsheets
  • Armadillos... pictures, plush, and stuffed and mounted on the dash
  • Big, ugly Baptist churches which resemble prisons
  • "W: The President" stickers

Tyler, Texas -- City of Roses, Technological Mecca, and Fine Example of Southern Hospitality[edit]

Tyler does have a few things to recommend it, however. It is a city that has made a definite attempt to cash in on the technical industry encourage growth in technical fields by offering tax breaks to friends of the city council technology-minded businesses. Their commitment to joining the world of tomorrow is reflected in the broad-spread availability of such cutting edge technologies as 56K dial-up internet service, touch-tone dialing, and 'cellular' phone service over almost half of Smith county! Their attractiveness to IT professionals is further enhanced by the presence of both a Best Buy and a CompUSA. Imagine... both in the same town! What more could you ask for?

Tyler also stands out as being a key city in the fine, upstanding organization that is Ku Klux Klan. You don't have to worry about those pesky 'minorities' in Tyler, no sir!

Note the aforementioned Confederate flag, a highly decorative touch amongst the white.(2)

In the heart of Texas, those brown/yellow/red/beige/plaid skinned people know their place! They stay in their cheap, falling apart affordable housing units and only come out when it's time to sweep the sidewalks, work in the fertilizer packaging plant, mow lawns, or go to their job at one of not one but two local strip-clubs! Where else can people like that find such glorious opportunities?

If you're worried about the Homosexual Agenda, and afraid that those sneaky, perverted queer folk might be secretly infecting your dear, sweet young children with their gayness, then Tyler is the place for you. No one deals with those filthy faggots better than a semi-literate, sexually repressed, misogynistic, insecure, redneck bully! Why, just a few years ago, the good, God-fearing people of Tyler beat a young gay man to death out back of a local bar. It may seem harsh, but it's part of Texas' policy of being "Tough on Crime". You can't let people get away with things like being persistently gay. If you do, then next thing you know, your sons will be talking with a lisp and wearing purple eyeshadow, and your daughters will be reading and instead of bringing home a husband and having babies like the Good Book decrees, they'll be riding a motorcycle and saying things like, "Hey, Pop. This is my bitch, Becky. Go get me a beer, Sweetcheeks." We can't have that, now can we?

Prospective residents of Tyler will also be glad to know that the city boasts of a strong educational system. High school graduates frequently read at second, third, or even fourth grade level! Their average SAT and ACT scores are exceeded only by colonies of trained monkeys. This excellence in scholarship is an example of the same sort of Texas pride that brought this country the great, beloved, utterly amazing George W. Bush. Tyler is dedicated to turning out students of the same caliber as the 43rd President of the United States of America, and they're doing a fine job of meeting that amazing goal at least 25% of the time.

Tyler residents have recently considered shifting their focus to raising bugs rather than roses. Unfortunately, their best chance at success would be with the Egyptian Dung Beetle, and they're pretty sure that all Egyptians are terrorists, so that would be unpatriotic.(3)

Tyler was also famous, at one point, for their roses, and their world renowned Rose Gardens. Tyler roses were known throughout the South as the very best cheap, wilted, bug-eaten flowers ever to be sold on the side of the road out of the back of a pickup truck with a "Jesus Saves!" bumper sticker and a classic "Calvin Pissing on Copyright Laws" decal on the back windshield. However, since the current drought (caused by Texas becoming a protectorate of the Fourth Circle of Hell), which has resided in the state long enough that it recently applied for citizenship, conditions have not been optimal for the growing of roses.

This tree obviously wasn't satisfied with the offering. Take great care in selecting your sacrifice, or you could simply be wasting a perfectly good minority member. (4)

Conditions have also not been good for pine trees, which have, in moments of desperation and anger, been known to spontaneously combust in the Texas summer heat. If you visit Tyler, or any other area of Texas, take care not to stand to near pine trees on hot days.If you must stand near a pine tree, be sure to bring some sort of conciliatory gift -- traditionally, a bruised, bloody, black man hung by a rope around the neck was considered a good offering, but in recent years this has become just slightly socially unacceptable. Nowadays, it's best to stay on the safe side and use a homosexual, transvestite, pagan, or Democrat for your offering. However, it seems likely that a custom-made air-conditioned tower would also be acceptable, or even a few barrels of ice water drizzled sensuously over the tree, starting at the trembling peak and working your way slowly and teasingly down each straight, hard branch and out onto the quivering needles, and finishing with a gushing finale over the deep, pulsating, thirsty roots. Or you could just hunt you up a nasty little faggot, like everyone else does, you filthy druidic pervert, you. Your choice.

tyler is gay I wish. I SO wish.

Image Sources[edit]

  1. http://www.evolutionofsound.org
  2. http://www.assiah.net
  3. http://shuva.aminus3.com
  4. http://www.american-buddha.com
  5. http://www.apple.com