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Threeclasses.jpg Mr writer, you seem to have been writing about something that really only applies to the middle classes . Cease to make these gross generalisations at once, as you mislead all and ignore the cultural richness we gain from ethnic people in the working class. Woe betide anyone who tries to impose the Middle class regime upon the working class for we would lose Burberry, Rap Music, Supermarket staff, Chlamydia and countless other cultural diversities. Narrow-mindedness such as this is one of the chief reasons why Ethnic types find it hard to integrate, and why chav teenagers struggle in school and feel rejected by society.

UCAS BlackStudentsLOL.jpg
Country Britain
Purpose Education, Education, Education
Genre Nerd
Species Black (65%), White (30%), Asian (5%)[1]
see also: Sodomy in Education, by Roy Chubby Brown
and:Conservative manifesto, by David Hugh "Floppy" Cameron Grant

“Children, lay down false hopes of making it as a footballer, or as a musician, for only through UCAS can you find salvation”

~ Ecclesiastical nerd on why the British youth is failing

“UCAS offers UCAS card holders 2% off all purchases at The Bistro”

~ UCAS on pretty much everything

“Bet you didn't see any black people at your interview for Oxford University”

~ UCAS on Proportional representation

UCAS is a British human trafficking organisation that offers all UCAS card holders a 6% discount at Odeon cinemas. It is used by Universities to locate black people, until they are over represented. It will run your life between the ages of 16 and 18, assuming you are British and wish to earn money during your life. UCAS offers many discounts, and is not at all patronising with the wicked slang used on its bangin' Yougo Website, especially since this language is always counteracted with stern warnings to idiots in all correspondence.

Stern Warnings To Idiots In All Correspondence[edit]

Clicking here will play a jerky, patronising video about your application

Dear Sir,

UCAS is pleased to note that you have received an offer from University College, London, but we will make it sound like this is the worst thing you have ever done to us anyway. Accept the offer immediately, or we will kill you. Failure to do this will result in us killing you, and you may lose the place. Also, do not send confidential information using the FAQ forum on our website, or we will kill you, and you may lose all future grades. If you have no legs, you must APPLY IMMEDIATELY for legs, using the form on our website, or we will kill you, and you may lose your arms. If you do not achieve the grades required for conditional offers, you will lose the offer, and will have to gamble your livelihood on the rat race that is clearing. You must say good bye to all loved ones as UCAS does not support the use of loved ones during the exam process. If you have the faculty to love, you have not successfully sold your soul in your personal statement. Scottish national qualifications mean nothing to most of those who read this, but we will donate a large amount of room to their discussion anyway: Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers strawberry Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers. We own you, so will do as we please with your time. If you live in Baltimore, Dhaka or Burkina Faso, you must submit your UCAS form before the 3rd of june, during the solar eclipse, standing in barefoot. Failure to do so will result in us killing and loving you to death.

Yours sincerely,
The UCAS team

Applications process[edit]

The orange UCAS Nematode worm

As nearly all British higher education institutions are members of UCAS, nearly all those wishing to study for first degrees in the UK must apply through UCAS. This applies to all categories of applicants - UK residents, residents of the Channel Islands and Isle of Man, European Union citizens, and other international applicants.

All UCAS card holders get a 1.41428% discount at Primark!

Applicants submit a single application via UCAS's website with a list of up to five courses for which they are applying, in no order of preference.[1] All five choices are confidential during the application process so universities and colleges considering an application cannot see any of the candidate's other choices. Applications must be completed by the middle of the January of the year that the student wishes to start university.

Applicants must condense their souls onto a piece of paper known as a Personal statement. Only Physicists put equations on them.

Complete the following form to be entered in a free prize draw; First and only prize is a 4% discount from our friends at Hollands and Barratt!

<poll> Which would you recommend to a friend? Online Application UCAS card discounts Fundamentalism Don't know None of the above Judith Somebody set up us the bomb </poll>

Role In The Former Soviet Union[edit]


Qualifications accepted[edit]

Here the UCAS Pacman devours all other methods, Whilst offering all UCAS card holders 1% off clothes from Toys'R'Us!

UCAS allows students to use many Exam boards and qualifications: A-levels for the vast majority, BTEC nationals for the great unwashed, IB for snobbish overacheivers who have to be different, GNVQs for retarded people, Battle Royale for Japanese people, D of E for Anyone but chavs and GCSEs for 12 year olds. All are treated equally when they reach the universities , where the ethnicity of your name is used to decide, dead heats being decided using the presence of D of E gold in your Personal statement.

Special offers[edit]

UCAS offers a card which, lets face it, is the best thing ever created by a government run organisation. It allows users to get up to 10% off purchases in places that you don't normally go. Did I mention that UCAS card holders get 1% off with Interflora. It also runs Yougo, a myspace style site that affords UCAS card holders the ability to chat with people who have also applied to the same universities. It does not offer a way of finding people going to the same College within Oxford University, however, because Oxford does not contain a disproportionately large number of black people (Asians are just not dark enough).

UCAS card holders get 5% off at selected Negrotech extreme tanning salons

Fill out the following form to be in with a chance of winning a FREE subscription to the UCAS advertisement magasine! <poll> Did you find the UCAS application procedure: Frustrating A turn on Easy Welsh None of the above 2% off all stuffed toys at Woolworths </poll>

But, the sad truth is, UCAS have got you by the balls if you want to get anywhere in life, and you just don't beat those special offers!

  1. Except in Medicine, engineering or scientific courses, where these values are reversed

Edumacation at its finest... this is how you learn schtuff.