“Freedom for all! ... except immigrants”
“Look, I'm not racist, my wife's a fucking German”
“The middle-class BNP”
“I'm in favor of UKIP 'cause, yanno, why should 'Merica be stuck with all the loudmouth racist fuckwads?”
Universal Kockhead Irritable Phukkers is the real and rarely-used name of the United Kingdom Independent Party (abbreviated UKIP and pronounced 'dik-heds'). UKIP is also known as the one slightly less racist but probably more stuck-up than the BNP, and is a so-called "political party" (i.e. group of wankers) in Britain, formed in 1993 by some fascist bastard with nothing to do. The party is based on the vision of "A Britain of every colour outside the EU, Africa, Asia, Australia, and in fact everywhere except Britain, also excluding people who don't speak the Queen's Speech like we does, innit. Oh yeah, and no people who drink cider. No women, either, or people who don't like cricket."
UKIP is officially a broad-spectrum coalition open to anyone staunchly opposed to European integration and expansionism, except with regard to expenses. Unofficially, you must be barkingly right-wing, have had at least five green-ink letters published in the Daily Telegraph and be middle-aged and ruddy-faced. It's also preferable that you be a failed businessman or minor celebrity although this isn't essential. A cheap plastic bowler hat with a union jack on it is also an advantage, as is a belief that God wouldn't have given you two hands if he didn't mean you to grasp as much as you possibly can with them.
The official Manifesto of UKIP is as follows:
- Total withdrawl from the EU while still ensuring UKIP MEPs can claim full expenses.
- Complete Integration into NAFTA or, failing that, the USA (this is not hypocritical, okay)
- An Invasion of France
- Compulsory fox-hunting
- Closed borders except to Anglo-Saxons. UKIP believes Britain is "full", but there's always room for the right kind of people.
- Kick out all of those foreigners (except, of course, Americans, Australians, New Zealanders and (non-French-speaking) Canadians)
- 'Relocation camps' for all non English speaking people refusing to leave to be opened in Auschwitz, Sobibor, Treblinka.
- Hang on, who will do all of the shitty jobs then?
- Bollocks, I'm off to the Costa del Stupid.
Despite never receiving a vote from the Scottish electorate UKIP would impose the following policies on the citizens of Scotland
- Spend yet more public money deconstructing the Scottish Parliament building
- Move the Scottish Parliment to an old unsuitable but "Historic" building
- in line with UKIP "past not progress" policies
- Abolishment of the Scottish Parliment
- Recycle the rubble from the Scottish Parliment by repairing and enlarging Hadrians Wall.
- to cut off the rifraff from up north, the wall would also be partial built around the oil pipeline to allow the secure transfer of Scottish Oil south.
This demonstrates UKIP's fundamental beliefs in naitonal soverignty and the rights of nations to not be imposed upon by larger err....
Similar policies would likely be imposed on Wales, probably without any modification since UKIP clearly have no care for anyone who does not reside in the home counties. Offa's Dyke is to be dug deeper as the Romans, for some reason, did not build a wall around Wales. Although they were only trainee Italians anyway, so building two walls on one island would be a problem, unless a Sicilian legion got the contract.
Obviously, a big wall cannot be built around Northern Ireland, so the UKIP would instead place a huge blockade around it, "to keep the bloody leeches out of England." Otherwise, they might decide to conquer Ireland and saturate it with Englishmen, "to show those bloody Taigs what's what."
After his sudden but temporary ban from the airwaves for allowing two guests on his show to actually murder each other and providing the handguns that they committed the deeds with, Jerry Springer found himself in need of a scapegoat. He settled on the EU In his quest to find the EU to blame, he moved to Britain, where he discovered loads guys in a pub who agreed with him. They all got completely hammered and suddenly decided to found their own political party. Then the other members expelled Springer after he was caught being a clown in Chavham for some strange reason.
Since its formation and instant rise to power the party has overseen many sweeping reforms including the compulsory introduction of pet spades for every weevil. Said weevil will eventually snap and eat Jerry Springer, which will for some reason enable it to take over the world.
Campaign against the Euro currency
UKIP were quick to point out how little the UK has achieved in 300 years, the pound is really the only thing that the UK is known for. UKIP pointed out that by swapping bits of paper for smaller more colourful bits of paper most of the would would forget the UK even existed.
Some UKIP economist predicted that converting to the Euro could have similar effects to a 500,000 megaton nuclear bomb being detonated in Manchester. (And for some reason believe this is a bad thing.)
As well as the numerous advantages of the Euro, supporters of the single currency also point out the fact that nobody really gives a shit what currency the UK uses.
Recently the party have suggested that they may change their logo as they feel the argument has been won. It is not clear what the logo could be changed to, since there is nothing else can really represent Britain.
Current members include Rusty Lee and Peter Crouch, 'H' from Steps, Mike Glennon, Jimmy Saville & Johnathon King (inducted posthumously in recognition for their selfless devotion to helping the children of England), and Chris Ruddock
UKIP was formerly led by Rogerette Knapman (a nazi). It is likely that it will be in need of one soon, as most of the party membership consists of self-declared legends to save people from bitches
The only famous leader of the party was a man called Robert Kilroy-Silk. He was mostly famous for being very orange.
The present leader is chinless fuckhead Nigel Farrago, a member of the European Pretend Parliament, who spends his time collecting his huge salary and obscene expenses so as to discredit all European pretend politicians. This hilarious prankster is mostly famous for sending a spam e-mail to every local Councillor in Great Britain asking them to join UKIP as the only pretend political party and getting so pissed that his 'personal assistant' has to carry him out of Belgian restaurants. Essentially, he is taking the piss.
In early 2010, Farrago called for a ban on the wearing of burkas. This is because of his fierce feminist beliefs.