USS Enterprise

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thumb|Promotional still from The Original Series Remastered.

Trekkies re-enact the 9/11 attacks.

A Federation Vessel starship, made famous by the reality TV show Star Trek. The Russian version is the Ю. Often referred to as "The Ship that launched a Thousand Pimply Faces."

Origins[edit]

Originally an ocean going clipper ship in the Royal Navy, the H.M.S. Enterprize (it's not even fucking spelled the same) was built at the famous Leicester ship yards during the letter S rationing era, for the British Queen Staci IIb. The role of the Enterprize was to transport Hazardous Material Supplies such as spam, salad cream, Woodbines, warm beer and delicious sand worms to Britain for use in the Ploughman's lunch industry, from the Heathen countries that regarded such materials as waste.

She served the Navy well for 250 years, before that fateful night under the command of Captain Ronald Reagan, known in those times as Wolfboy, she took a wrong turn and instead of sailing for Nottingham she ended up in orbit above the Earth.

Moderately concerned with the lives of the crew, and desperate for the supplies of invertebrates, the British government turned to the European Space Agency (ESA) for help. This was a controversial choice, as the ESA was best known at the time for blowing up small South American islands, pyramid schemes and clog dancing.

The mission to rescue the Enterprize was considered a partial success. Although 95% of the ship and crew were sent through a wormhole, the ESA managed to blast a small beagle puppy at Mars, averting a suspected Martian invasion, and preventing Tom Cruise from doing his "Lord of the dance" epic moment.

The Enterprise[edit]

NOM! CHOMP! ERP! GULP! SLURP! BURP! Two Gods eating cake on the Starship Enterprise

After this mission, Europe decided to get back to having a war, and the Enterprize was sold to a hire-car firm in America. It was rechristened with the Enterprise 1-800-rent-a-capsule logo and colours and pressed into service as part of the rental fleet at a local airport.

After the decline in air travel caused by the September 11 attacks, it was sold to the American government and re-named as the U.S.S. Enterprise. U.S.S. stands for U Suck Starship, as the popular music group Jefferson Starship refused to sell the name Starship. Unknown to them, the s in Enterprise denoted "spaceship".

The American government gave control of the Enterprise to NASA as a bribe to stop NASA from saying anything about the Alien lizards who had taken control of the World Bank, the Freemasons, the Illuminati and Arby's. NASA chose to rebuild the ship, almost from scratch, following a design they found in the Bible when they took drugs and read the story of Noah's Ark.

The Enterprise is powered by a combination of dilithium crystals; epsilon salt crystals; rancid Mc Donald's fryer grease; happy, well-exercised tribbles in bent-ash-wood hamster wheels (designed by an Amish trekkie, named Yalana Yoder), and ghosts. Should the warp core containment field ever be breached, the spirits would exact a terrible revenge on their captors, and the remainder of the universe will be hopelessly infested by tribbles (the only life-form known to reproduce by spiting into a billion pieces caused by the gravitational forces encountered during entry into a planet's atmosphere - other than the Plastic Wal-Mart Baggariens).

The newly redesigned Starship Enterprise was then bought by the William Shatner, which he used to fly around Uranus to look for Klingons and their imperialistic leader Rhemy. After that, he roamed the Universe looking for sight-impaired, slow running, blue women he could molest. The ship was later given to Patrick Stewart and that bearded dude.

Brief History of Each Enterprise[edit]

CVN-65: Identified by Pavel Chekov as a "nuclear wessel".
  • NX-01: Got into a bunch of fights with Klingons, some bad Vulcans (who were really the Vulcan's younger Romulan brothers who had stolen their starship driver's licenses to buy beer ), various ugly aliens with latex facial appliances, and any race that starts with the letter "X". (Xindi wtf?)
  • NCC-1701: Fought Klingons, Romulans, giant blobs, various ugly aliens with latex facial appliances, and God knows what else. Made it to season 3, got canceled; returned for a bunch of animated shows, got canceled; returned for a bunch of movies, got destroyed by Klingons over the Genesis planet when Kirk (or some real stupid Paramount Studios executive - still being debated ) set the auto-destruct. (Note: It was the only time that Captain Kirk could beat Doctor Emmitt Brown).
  • NCC-1701-A: Fought Klingons, and various ugly aliens with latex facial appliances. The doors didn't work for half the second movie, and was mistakenly thought to still be infested with tribbles ( though this turned out to only be the Shat's topee, that had accidentally been replicated - many thousands of times) .
  • NCC-1701-B: Appeared for about five minutes before Paramount decided to move on. Was damaged by the Nexis in Star Trek: Generations. It's the last time anyone saw Kirk for 76 Star Trek years. He was believed to be dead, but was actually only stricken with obesity ( by the end of the millennium, the last known disease "legally sanctioned" for public abuse, and ridicule ).
  • NCC-1701-C: The first Enterprise to have a female captain. Seen only in one show: Star Trek: the Next Generation; Yesterday's Enterprise, it was seen coming out of a temporal field, only to alter the future of the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The NCC-1701-C was sent back after losing her captain, for being the "wrong" gender in the 1990s.
  • NCC-1701-D: Explored deep space. First vessel to have a Klingon on board and still be attacked by Klingons. Confronted Borg, Q, Romulans, Klingons, giant blobs, more bad Vulcans (intoxicated, teen-aged Romulans ), various ugly aliens with latex facial appliances, and god knows what else before it had to be destroyed to avoid meeting, and offending, yet another intergalactic species. First Enterprise to survive all seven seasons. Damaged by stupid-ass Klingons, farted a Photon Torpedo and then exploded after all that fancy saucer separation stuff that fans had to wait 20 years to see. Crashed into that God-awful waste of a papier-mache boulder.
  • NCC-1701-E: Fought the Borg, various ugly aliens with latex facial appliances, and Picard's evil twin in Star Trek: Nemesis.
  • NCC-1701-F: Design totaled in excess of $42,000,000., but was never used in any Star Trek show after it was pointed out by an 11 year old fan that "F" stands for "FAIL".
  • NCC-1701-G, H, and I: Never even existed. Possibly because these are not considered "sexy" letters, but more probably because they had morons like Commodore Stocker in command.
  • NCC-1701-J: A very "sexy" ship; swift, lethal and effective; but seen in only one episode where she proved to be so formidable that she fought, and totally obliterated an off-screen enemy before anyone even saw it. She was never seen again, possibly because she had an incompetent agent who was a pathetic drug addict, and her cousin.
  • NCC-1701-K: Forced into existence by a a parallel universe. Faded back into non-existence by a general lack of interest in this parallel universe, after one sequel where although Spock and Uhura do break up, as hoped, slash fans were bitterly disappointed when absolutely nothing else they had hoped for, transpires.
  • NCC-1701-reincarnated in a "nonparallel universe": The Enterprise is re-designated as an ICTF (Intergalactic Cheeze Transport Freighter). (Article needed. Google: Star Trek Phase II, or nerds with a capital "N")

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