Uber-pea

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An Uber-pea is one of a species of demi-gods of the genus ultrapisum morbidei. They are easy to identify from their large, round, green pea-like body and mad, staring eyes. They also have a tendency to burst into song at any moment.


A dangerous semi-deity, uber-peas are to be avoided if possible and certainly not allowed to eat people.

Uber-peas have yet to be caught by the Umlaut monster.

Origins[edit]

Legend has it that one day, the Norse god Loki stole into the allotment of his brother, Thor, and, to ruin his chances in the Valhalla Organic Vegetable-Growing Competition, added a concoction of pesticides, anabolic steroids and absinthe to his pea plants. The pods swelled to millions of times their natural size and from each burst forth at five enormous, hungry and slightly insane uber-peas. On being refused entry to the competiton for 'cheating', Thor was enraged, and cast his gigantic produce off into the cosmos. Now, the uber-peas roam the stars, devouring all they find.

Another theory states that they are the offspring of the Galactic Warlord Xenu and a toad.

Sightings[edit]

There have been numerous sightings of uber-peas throuhgout the solar system, but those who meet the uber-pea rarely survive. An old folk song believed to tell of these pseudo-supernatural beings was uncovered in 2001:

Uber-pea, uber-pea- he wants to eat you and me,

Uber-pea comes from outer space; he wants to wipe out the human race

While the language is obscure and the meaning unclear, historians have been able to infer that an uber-pea came to Earth 'at least once', it possibly ate some people and had nefarious intentions. The last line is, historians believe, untrue, as other evidence of uber-peas proves that not only do they want to wipe out the human race, but also a lot of others, too.

Uber-peas have been sighted on: File:Uberpeatatooine.jpg

  • Mars
  • Pluto
  • Omicron Persei 8
  • Ikea
  • Disneyworld
  • Tatooine
  • The forest moon of Endor

Diet[edit]

Much of what is known of uber-peas is sourced from their own sinister ditties, and studying their fossilised coprolites. From these, scientists have been able to ascertain:

  1. Uber-peas are not fussy eaters, and will eat human beings of any nationality (including English and French).
  2. Uber-peas, if pushed, will even eat Roger Moore, Judi Dench, or their own kind.
  3. Uber-peas will eat all parts of their prey, but have a particular fondness for devouring the chin, and will eat this alone in some cases.
  4. Uber-peas often consume alcohol (especially gin) while eating their prey and huff their victims in specialised pipes.
These aren't uber-peas. In fact, none of them are even vaguely uber. Except maybe that one...

Foodvik Bloodaxe Fooderssen vs. the Uber-pea, A True Story[edit]

According to a nonsensical reliable source, an uber-pea attacked Earth and began devouring its large-chinned inhabitants. The victims were trapped in a sea of vomit (it is unclear whether this was down to the uber-pea itself), and left to be ingested one by one, until a Viking, Foodvik Bloodaxe Fooderssen arrived. After first attempting to slay the giant vegetable using berserker rage but finding it immune, he summoned a Giant Gnome, which promptly squelched the pea. The happy survivors later prepared a victory feast of pea.

In Case of Uber-pea Attack[edit]

Countless civilisations have fallen prey to uber-peas over the millenia since Loki first GM'd them, but this needn't be the case should one attack your planet. Just follow this helpful guide:

Things That Don't Kill Uber-peas[edit]

Things That Do Kill Uber-peas[edit]

Things Not To Do if An Uber-pea Attacks[edit]

...learn and survive.