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The Ultima-Device is the most ultimate ever device in the entire history of the entire universe. Buy it. Now. What are you waiting for? Quit reading this article and buy the Ultima-Device!

Never heard of it.[edit]

Never heard of it?! Then I'll have to tell you! The Ultima-Device can do anything and everything anywhere, anytime, and to anyone! Buy now, and we'll throw in this free plasma screen tv[1]!

What does it do?[edit]

It does a whole lot, my friend! Just some of its many uses are:

  1. Playing DVD's, VHS's, CD's, and video cassettes.
  2. Playing every game for every system ever made without the disk/cartridge/anything else.
  3. Cleaning up around the house.
  4. Healing any wound you may suffer.
  5. The ability to make any food or drink.
  6. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many other uses!

I'm still not convinced because I'm a drooling, brain-dead monkey with an IQ that is too low to calculate.[edit]

Then buy it, and experience its other uses for yourself, you wonderful person, you!

Wow, I'm convinced! How do I buy such a wonderful device?[edit]

Remember, it's not just any wonderful device, it's the Ultima-Device!

Wise words, O wondrous leader. So how do I buy it?[edit]

Just dial this number and give us you and your relative's social security numbers!




Dial these numbers now on your cell and/or telephone to get your Ultima-Device today!

I got an Ultima-Device, but it doesn't work![edit]

Now that's a problem!

How do I fix it? Or can I order a new one?[edit]

It is both easily fixable and easily re-obtainable!

How to fix a broken Ultima-Device[edit]

First off, you'll need to find your problem on the list. Then, look at the solution underneath it!

Problem and Solution[edit]
  1. Problem: I don't have it!
  • Solution: Reorder it.
  1. Problem: It's all red and sticky!
  • Solution: You probably smeared strawberry jam all over it. Just lick it off.
  1. Problem: An aspect of the entertainment system isn't working!
  • Solution: Remove entertainment system and reorder it.
  1. Problem: I got a fake pencil instead of the free plasma screen tv I was promised!
  1. Problem: An instruction manual didn't come with mine!
  • Solution: Don't worry, that's supposed to happen.

How to order a new one[edit]

If yours has been damaged beyond repair, please call either of the previously listed numbers to order a new one.


These are Frequently Asked Questions asked by actual customers!

What does FAQs stand for?[edit]

Frequently Asked Questions.

Are you sure?[edit]

Yes, Frequently Asked Questions.

I heard somewhere that it stood for Firey Ass Quills.[edit]

Why would it mean that?

I dunno, I'm sorry...[edit]

You'd better be. To make up for it, why don't you buy an Ultima-Device?


That's the spirit!

The FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)[edit]

“Hey, can I buy an Ultima-Device?”

~ Random Dude on buying an Ultima-Device


“Can the Ultima-Device even answer FAQs? And what does FAQ stand for?”

~ You on an already discussed topic

Yes! And FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions.

If you have any questions of your own...[edit]

If there are still any questions lingering in your mind, please let us know at one of our phone numbers and we'll answer it as soon as possible!


  1. Plasma screen tv is neither fake nor a pencil.

See also[edit]