Ultimate Fighting Championship
“Tyson griffin has what you can call a budonkadonk.(on griffins fight with aurelio)!”
“Ultimate Fighting? That's too gay, even for me.”
“PUT THE GLASSES ON!!!! PUT EM ON!!!! OOHHHH!!!!!”
“People fight in the Ultimate Fighting Championships”
“I'm a man and you're a woman...”
The Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) is the biggest MMA organization in the world. All the best fighters are there and every day they train and get all sweaty.
MMA itself is a sport in which two fighters, typically trained in a combination of Boxing, Judo, Jiu-Jitsu, Shih Tzu, Wrestling, Muay Thai, Karate, Kama Sutra, Tae Kwon Do, Kung Fu, Kick Boxing, Ninjitsu, San Soo, Hakko Ryu, Ashihara Kaiken, Mexican Lucha Libre, Schitzkon Flakirudituti, Ling Lom, Diddly Doodly, Jousting, and Beebop Skiddly Do Dop; hump each other for 15 minutes, and the winner of the fight is predetermined.
In 1923 B.C., two homosexuals had sex one night and kicked each other in the face whilst having fun. There, the idea of two fagots in the same ring (at the time, it was a grass weed carpet), half-naked would become a reality. In 1600 b.c., the same two homosexuals came up with the name UFC, or Ultimate Fag Championship! They would later drop the emphasis on the ending and drop the exclamation point at the end of 'championship'. In 1290 b.c. a guy named Kimbo Nutclicer would debut as a champion. He would later retire in the coming years of Christ where the commandment "thall shall not use god's name in vein" came into play and ended Nutslicer's career. In 1574, at UFC 109,374, Nutslicer returned and changed his name to Kimbo Slice to disguise his name from Christ himself. The undefeated Slice ended up winning the covenant title for an amazing 666th time, After the death of the homosexuals who started UFC in 1843, the referee's became the center of attention and today, UFC is still around, having matches every three days with absolutely no meaning whatsoever because it is an undefeated guy against a guy who is coming back for a day, and it lasts 100,000 rounds or 2 hours.
The profits of the UFC have risen considerably since the reformation of the rules. This is because the rules are now sufficiently gay for the targeted audience. Below is a list of the reformed rules.
- biting, pinching, or scratching is allowed Tickling is encouraged.
- No eye poking, fish hooking the mouth, or making mean faces.
- No throat or neck attacks, no sudden movements, and no shirts allowed.
- No kicking or kneeing a downed opponent. You must either hump them on the ground or politely help them back to their feet.
- Punching and kicking is not expressly forbidden but is looked down upon. Laying on your opponent is a more encouraged alternative.
- It is strongly discouraged to kick an opponent's legs, as Joe Rogan will not shut up about it.(especially if Rua is fighting)
The original rules of the UFC consisted of the following:
only teabagging is allowed
- The truth about UFC rules
Joe Rogan- Well... its obviously predetermined but we pretend it has rules because well, it makes us feel better. Dana White- Um thats so not true, (pulls out leash) back to your cage to you rogan, we can't have you trying to get away remember Fox sold your soul after you had that breakdown on fear factor
"Please read the Beginner's Guide, and please be funny and not just stupid. You agree to license submissions under CC-BY-NC-SA 2.0. "
The person who edited this before me, was just being moronic, there was no humor whatsoever, and therefore, I have deleted this section, in hopes that someone with more of a sense of humor will edit it. Thank You.
- Brock "the freak of nature" Lesnar AKA The Next Big Bitch - Achieved the Heavyweight Championship by slapping Randy Couture with his giant cock and uses steroids that makes him a fuckin' beast. Recently beat all-time rival Frank kittycat, by pounding his ass and face into victory. Afterwards, the freak of nature made a giant douche of himself by flipping of the audience, promoting Coors Light, and saying he was going to "sit on his wife" which is widely believed that he meant to butt fuck her, but is still unsure, as it would result in instant death if Cock were to sit on anyone. Now widely considered the biggest douchebag in the UFC, only second to josh kosckek.
- Mauricio "acl tear" Shogun" Rua - Fought Ryoto Machida and kept kicking his legs while Joe Rogan was masturbating, a lot of you say Shogun was wasting time throwing leg kicks while Machida was trying to fight, have u ever been kicked in the fucking legs? Anyways, the judges first gave it to Machida but then Joe Rogan went all butt hurt and threatened to kill Dana White so they decided to give the belt to Shogun out of sympothy, but Shogun forgot to grab the belt on his way out, Dana was pissed at Shogun and gave him one last chance by giving him a rematch, Shogun didnt trust the judges so he exploded at Machida's face, Machida tried hugging him to calm him down but Shogun wouldnt stop and he destroyed Machida with his giant cock. However, judges Cecil Peoples and Nelson Hamilton believe Machida won the fight via TKO (headbutt to the fist).
- Anderson "The brazilian crackhead" Silva - Became the Middleweight Champion when he defeated Rich "The Poor Bastard" Franklin, he is the pound for pound best spider in the world, however, after an incident where he was fighting Demian Maia in the desert, he lost popularity. He started dancing around and singing "YMCA", Dana White saw his performance and exploded with anger and cancelled Silva's fight with GSP, his next fight will be against Chael "The Politician" Sonnen.
- Georges "Vaseline" St. Pierre- Won the Welterweight Championship by knee-humping Matt "The Serra" Serra multiple times in the side. His trademark move is rub Vaseline on his body, making him so shiny, his opponents lose morale and energy. His first use of the move was when he fought BJ "The smelly hawaiian" Penn. People think he defeated British hadcore punk, Dan "The Mouthlaw" Hardy but in reality he just humped him for twenty five minutes and couldnt finish despite getting Mouthlaw in an armbar and kimura, his trainer, Renzo Gracie gave GSP a severe punishment of erotic whipping for not finishing the fight. He is next expected to fight Josh "The humper" Koscheck
- Frankie "The Question?" Edgar was awarded the Lightweight title after beating BJ "The smelly hawaiian" Penn, the fight shocked the world as BJ, in the middle of the fight forgot that he had a right hand and kept using jabs while Frankie tried to finish but was too weak to do so, the decision went to Frankie for being more aggressive.
- Fedor Emelianenko The Russian machine, a little known fact, the entire heavyweight division is Fedor's collective bitch. Dana White has personally begged Fedor to stay away from the UFC for fear that he would kill every fighter in the organization in under a minute. Dana has tried to cover up his statements by calling out Fedor in queerish fashion. Fedor simply laughs in his favorite sweater whilst eating ice cream and feeding small puppies.
- Rashad "stanky leg" Evans- was best knows for talking shit which made his breath evidently smell like shit. He was also know for doing a lot of weird shit to his nipples right before each one of his fights. He lost his belt to the half brazilian half japanese champ Ryoto Machida. He will fight Ryoto again after he fights Quinton "the insecured boy" Jackson. He has stated he would like to brutal rape Ryoto from behind.
- Alistair Overeem Started fighting in 2001 in the minuscule flyweight division. Overeem had a physique likened to steve urkel in the beginning, but after the mass consumtion of horse meat and steroids he has made the transformaion to what is known at UBEREEM 9000!!! Currently Ubereem is fighting in the heavyweight division at 300 pounds of oiled rippling muscle. Leading scientists in Holland have discovered a new muscle in the back after studying Ubereem in their top secret labs. Ubereem is best known for starting his fighting career with a hat size of 6 1/2 while currently fighting with a hat size of 8 3/4.... eat that barry bonds
- Shinya "Rainbow Pants" Aoki: A Japanese MMA champion who doesnt fight in the UFC, but dumbasses think UFC and MMA is the same thing so who cares. He is most famous for breaking people's arms and dancing around pointing middle fingers at them, Joe Stevenson thinks he can beat Aoki because he did it in a Dream, he tried it once but got the biggest ass raping of a lifetime.
- shane "brock #2" carwin is a freak of nature like brock "the freak of nature" but the boxing version. he recently became the interim HW champion by slapping frank Kitycat with his giant cock also just like brock did. the 2 incredible hulks will have sex at ufc 116
Hall of Famers
- Royce "The only Gracie good at MMA" Gracie: Was chosen by the great Gracie family to represent their founded style BJJ at UFC 1, Gracie used his weed power to choke out huge fat asses and win like all the UFC tournaments of his time. The Japanese saw this legendary style and created Judo, they then changed history to make you all think Judo came first.
- Chuck "The Ice Ass" Liddell: Was inducted out of sympathy when Shogun knocked the fuck out of his iceness and forced him to retire, Chuck returned to fight Tito Ortiz after coaching TUF, however Tito left with a shit load of excuses so Chuck's fight was changed to Rich "the poor bastard" Franklin. Franklin worked hard throughout the day making money from asking people for change and made about $1 and 20 cents, however, Tito stole this and blamed it on Chuck so Franklin got angry and fucked Chuck in the face forcing him to retire again.
- Tank Abbott: The four time BJJ world championship winner and also the creater of cardio. Not known for his stand up but more his BJJ background, he is a red belt in the noble art of BJJ.Last Thursday he beat Rickson Gracie Via simultaneous Armbar, Gogoplata, Omoplata and Kneebar. This is only the second time in history this move has been performed, the first time was when someone tried to take Joe Rogan's weed off of him.
- Randy "The All natural" Couture: Earned his nickname by fighting nude, experienced in the art of Greco Roman humping, he was beating the freak of nature till freak slapped him with his huge cock and sent him to the matt. He is to welcome boxing legend, James Boney in his debut to the octagon.
- Mark "The Flower" Coleman: Made his debut in the human cockfighting days of the UFC, he left UFC for Pride FC because it was better, however, leaving UFC for Pride made Dana jealous so he bought Pride and took it down forcing Mark back to the UFC where he was owned by Mauricio "Leg kick Shogun" Rua.
- Tito "The bad excuse" Ortiz: As his nickname suggests, everytime he loses a fight he makes a dumb excuse, he was once in a serious relationship with his ex, Dana White, however, they had a fight and broke up due to which Tito was about to sign with Strikeforce, Tito came back to the UFC and made up with dana, deciding to "just be friends" because Strikeforce sucks, Tito is now dating some pornstar.
- Vitor "the not so phenomenal" Belfort: Started fighting at the age of 19 when he won the UFC heavyweight tournament by beating Tank Abbot by tko, however, like Shogun, Vitor forgot to grab the belt on his way out due to which Tank stayed undefeated. He is now waiting for a shot at Anderson "The Dancing Spider" Silva, he will have to wait in line behind Chael "The Politician" Sonnen.