The Ultimate Rant is something you can e-mail to people who:
- Try to feed you bird mucus for dinner,
- Ask you to wear spandex and pink bubble wrap to the prom,
- Set your Nintendo on fire when you burn their dinner, or,
- (optional) Use your cell phone as a vibrator while you talk on it.
You, by virtue of your crack whore gypsy mother having dropped you onto your hollow skull seven times into a nearby, cum crusted hospital dumpster, are the most pseudo-intellectually dishonest, willfully ignorant, dumbfuckled and confused gitty retarded excuse for an overripe rape baby abortion ever to sully the lands of this great planet.
I pwnyour ass so hard, I am auctioning it on eBay as we speak. As a result, your mother, who is a big hairy-toed Somoan man, with teeth that are so rotten and covered with slime they look like a pack of dominos, is suing me for taking away the target of her affection (your wart covered, hairy, baboon's ass). You are the inspiration for the shit eating videos that the Germans watch. You are like David Hasselhoff, but lamer, and with less talent and droopier boobs . Your mother's love for you is as confusing, unwarrented, and unreasonable as the French people's love for Jerry Lewis.
You make me wish abortion were retroactive. Your mother douched the best, and non-retarded part of you out of her ass before the rest of you was scooped off of the deck of whatever US Navy ship on which you were conceived. One of the 600 possible candidates that could be your father, found that knock-kneed skank, and shot their demon seed into her "Buckwheat in a leglock" looking snatch. The doctors needed two hours, a weedwacker, a map, and a 7 cans of WD-40 to pry you out of your mom's massive penile parking garage. It must have smelled so bad in the delivery room, the stench could have knocked a buzzard off of a shitwagon; something which would serve to do nothing more than prevent another wild animal from raping your mother for the 14th time.
Stick your finger up your ass, plug your nose, and blow really hard, and perhaps that pathetic pubic hair that you call your fetid penis will become long enough to be seen without the Hubbel telescope peering into an electron microscope. I have seen families on Jerry Springer that are less white trash than you are. You are so retarded, when you applied to enter the Special Olympics, they told you that you were overqualified. Your idea of going to a club on Saturday night is going to a gay chatroom for NAMBLA. You suck at life. Give your parents the early Christmas present they have been hoping for for years and kill yourself. You make George Bush look like friggin Einstein. You make John Kerry look handsome. You make your mom look skinny. You make your dad look straight. You make your sister look like a woman.
You smell so bad, you made Right Guard turn left. They invented deoderized tampons just for your dank, crinkled hair encrusted, pockmark dappled, lard-packed beanbag chair that you call an ass. Your brain got hacked by your pet goldfish. You are a truly disgusting moron. Your personal hygiene makes Michael Moore and Peter Jackson, and most Mexicans look like high society whiteboys. You are such a bitch, you wipe from the front. You sit down when you pee. You are so gay, you can only get married in Asbury Park, New Jersey, or Boston. You are so gay, you and your boyfriend are registered at Victoria's Secret. When you get upset, your thankfully deoderized tampon pops out. Speaking of tampons, your father only changes his like a Polish hockey goalie changes his; after three periods. What do you do when you don't feel fresh? You are too stupid to make ice cubes. What, did the old wise lady in your dumbassed family who had the recipe die or something? You are a botched abortion that lived, by the grace of Satan and you mother's love for dog cum, you pathetic excuse for a incest baby.
AIDS has a better public image than you do. No one likes you. People would create a new national holiday if you would just buy a toe trigger for your shotgun and put it to blow out your last two brain cells. Then again, with a brain that small, the next time you sneeze it may end up on the wall in front of you anyway, so maybe waiting is the best option. Inevitably, someone as stupid as you will Darwin themselves out of their pathetic existance. You are so gay you make an Elton John and Richard Simmons tantric sex session look straight. When you fart, the things that come out include the saliva of seventeen men, 7 ounces of KY jelly, and gerbil fur. I wouldn't fuck you with Janet Reno's dick. You suck donkey dick.
Your DNA looks like a line of broken HTML code. You mind is inferior to the common pet gerbil. You are genetically inferior to the elephant man. They found WMD in your ass. You could kill 14 gerbils, 1 man, and 147 flies with a single fart. You couldn't reach down your pants, count your pussy lips, and get the same number twice (the correct answer is 4 and a half). You couldn't find your ass (to remove your head) with a flashlight and a crowbar with the help of your boyfriend. Fabio is less lame than you are. You change opinions and flip-flop like Madonna changes religions, and Britney Spears changes husbands. You are like a less cool Liza Minelli. You suck at the Internet, and breathing.
Your teeth are so nasty they make Muqtada Al'Sadr look like the Crest Toothpaste poster boy. This is probably because you are so busy chowing dead dog ass and brushing your teeth with a warm bucket of hampster vomit, that you have no time to care for them properly. This fits right into your plan to never remove your lips from the tool your father uses to see if your sister is on her period: his dick. At this point again, I would be remiss to not mention that you should commit suicide, and raise the average IQ in your city by about 30. Your favorite pastime is hanging out under your fairy brother's skirt, moving his thong, and attaching your barnacle encrusted lips permanently to his dick, as if it were some kind of feeding tube, as your brother dances his anal ballet dance of love in his horse stable/orgy house.
I love you. Good night!