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Ulysses (or “Youwussies” as a surly Joyce would say, berating his weak-kneed friends such as captain spock) is a novel/Captain’s Log/Telephone Book/Menu/Cookbook/Zionist Tract written, during a seven year drinking binge, poofboy kunterson. The book is considered one of the greatest acts of plagiarism ever created by single man (though Joyce was convinced, for several years of his early life, that he was Franciscan Nun called Mary). The original manuscript is made up of various cut-outs and clippings from the gargantuan amount of Teen magazines and pornographic novels Joyce had stolen from numerous places throughout Europe.

Critics and several species of chimpanzees consider Ulysses to be one of the greatest novels ever “written”. Others, usually the ones not bribed by Joyce, consider it a dirty con engineered by a sly confidence man looking to make his mark on the streets.

Conservatives dislike Ulysses for its lewd subject matter. Weaklings dislike the book for its burdensome weight.


Always the perfectionist, Joyce only worked on Ulysses when standing on his head and post-coital. Joyce disliked working without some background noise, so he asked Samuel Beckett to sit in wicker chair behind him and moan over the pessimistic nature of human existence. Joyce found this deeply arousing.

The first half of the book was completed in March 1918. Joyce then gave the completed half to a one-legged chicken farmer who buried it in the middle of field two miles outside Lyons. Joyce found this deeply arousing.

When the second half of the book was completed in early 1922, Joyce had the two halves welded together in a bicycle shop in Zurich. Present at this event was Nora Joyce, The Artist Formerly Known As Ezra Pound, T.S. Eliot accompanied by Macavity the Mystery Cat, and the mayor of Zurich (though it was later discovered he was only present to use the bathroom). Joyce found this deeply arousing.

The book completed, Joyce went looking for a publisher. He did this by forming his own Country Western band (Jim Joyce and the South Navan Buckaroos) which preformed in the streets of Paris. Though he and his band got a six album deal with EMI, no publisher would accept Ulysses. But it was during this time that Joyce was being stalked by William Faulkner. Disgruntled by this, Joyce fired a copy of Ulysses at Faulkner, killing him instantly. As he lay dead, effusing alcohol through his ears like a sinewy stream in autumn in Mississippi, Faulkner’s corpse drew the attention of Sylvia Beach, owner of Shakespeare and Co. book shop and publisher. Beach realised immediately that Faulkner was out, and Joyce was in. She agreed to publish Ulysses. Joyce found this deeply arousing.

Plot Summary[edit]

(Warning! Do not attempt to summarise a piece of 20th Century Modernist Literature without wearing gloves.)

Episode One[edit]

"Telemachus, or How James Joyce Learned To Stop Worrying and Started To Love the (your) Mom"

Stately plump Uck Ulyssesigan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

-- There she was, just a walkin’ down the street, singing “Do-Wah-Diddy Diddy-Dom Diddy-Do!”

Halted he peered behind him at the winding staircase and shouted:

-- Come up Joyce, you fearful Jesusit!

Emerging from the stairhead now was the young James Joyce, sullen and gloomy. He stopped abruptly at the top of the stairway.

-- Don’t be afraid of the cold Joyce, said Ulyssesigan, It’s the fresh air of the snotgreen scrotumtightening sea.

-- I’ve got better things to be doing than freezing my balls off, replied Joyce.

-- Like what?

-- Your Mom.

Episode Two[edit]


--What's a pier? What about Pyrrhus? ANSWER ME KENNY YOU DOLT!

--I'm too stupid to add. Teach me O glorious one. DO you know the way to San Jose?

--I'm too stupid to save money. Teach me frugality ya tight arsed bastard. Are you listening Kenny

--I'm God, shouting in the streets. I am woman hear me roar. Give me drugs I am crackwhore

--I hate jews. Everybody persecutes Jews. Except for Ireland. She never let them in. Ha. HA. HA HA HA.

Episode Three[edit]


Stephen walks on the beach. Pondering with the aid of LSD takes place

Note: There is speculation that in Episode Three, Dedalus fell asleep on the beach and the rest of book was just a dream.

Episode Four[edit]


Ulysses walks in onto a horrid scene. Bodies are scattered about.

Ulysses talks for a hundred pages about the previous three episodes, then summarizes the fourth episode.

Episode Five[edit]

"The Lotus Eaters"

At this portion of the novel, it appears that Joyce has assumed the reader has stopped reading Ulysses long ago, and thus the first thirty pages of this section simply consist of "asdf asdf asdf. "

At the end of the section, Joyce enigmatically writes "I'm sorry, but your princess is in another castle," an obvious anachronism that has led many scholars to believe that Joyce may potentially be a time travelling robot, sent back from the future to eliminate Sarah Connor.

Episode Five is also known for its stream-of-consciousness format.

See Also[edit]

Your Mom