Uma Thurman

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Thurman in 1994, seen here sneering at fellow actor John Travolta (not pictured) over his "acting skills"
Wikisplode.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Uma Thurman.

I could never be certain whether she was doing method acting, or it was just "real" for her whilst we were on set

~ Noel Coward on Uma Thurman

Uma "weird and lanky" Thurman (born: July 20 1936 - died: May 3 2050) was a vaguely successful actress originally from Germany with Krypton ancestry. Throughout her well publicized film career she was characterized as hot, gangly, and up for any role that involved distinct "tranny" themes. Her affiliations with Neo-Nazis make her one of the most controversial figures in Hollywood. She began acting seriously in the nineties and has continued to present day with her antics.

She last worked in advertising for Richard Branson which she did from her snazzy New York apartment. Thurman was also in talks with gypsies in the UK to release her from house arrest. The dispute allegedly began in February 2008 when a film Thurman was making with Oscar Wilde was leaked to the gypsy community, who regard the piece as "yet more Nazi supremacist slurs against minorities from that gangly freak."[1]

Early Life[edit]

Uma Thurman with love interest Texan oil stud Earl Browner at the Batman and Robin premiere in 1997

Uma Thurman began her life as part of a cross breeding program between Nazi Supermen and Aliens, the results proved promising, however with the end of the war, her services proved unneeded on the new Nazi colony in Bolivia. Her father was the legendary SS officer "Gerhard Thurman". Her Mother was in fact an egg donor from Krypton and has remained anonymous and Thurman herself has yet to discover much detail of her Kryptonic ancestry .[2]

The cross breeding proved that looks and ruthlessness go together well. It can be seen throughout her career that she has made all the "sacrifices" required of her, particularly her dedication to do the Fuhrers bidding on matters pertaining to his "person".

The unjustly persecuted Nazi scientists aided her daughter to a good education after the War. She was shipped off to Britain in 1972 where she pursued a rigorous Acting/Polytechnic education as advocated by Nietzsche. She was then shipped to America in 1977 to become the new Nazi propaganda weapon. Arguably she has changed little within this time due to longevity treatments and her Krypton ancestry.

It has been reported in many interviews that the young Uma was awkward about her appearances when she was young. Her looks have been described as freaky and weird looking by many, including her parents. These insecurities have fuelled Thurman’s hatred of small people. She has strong affiliations with the pro-Gigantic proportions League.

On one of the many rallies’ the group organizes, Uma publicly claimed small people to be “inferior” and "Small people are vicious Oompah Loompahs that get under my size 11 feet, how I would like to crush scum with my plates o' gammon".[3] Throughout her career these early set backs are something Ms Thurman has laid to rest. When she started acting and her career ‘took off’, there was a demand for freakish individuals in movies at the time, particularly during the eighties when films like The Fly were on release.

Education[edit]

Uma Thurman was educated by her Kraut parents until she was 18 when she attended East Anglia Polytechnic in Domestic Science; She followed this with acting training.

The training she received for acting and theatre was far from exemplary. It was largely undertaken in London, chiefly being an evening course ran at Madame Tussauds. This however proved the platform for Ms Thurman early ambitions as an actress where she learned that Gayin it up and making light of Rape, Murder and other such themes was a sure fire way into big budget Hollywood productions. After completing her course she moved back to US where she began "acting" in "movies".[4]

Film Career[edit]

Uma Thurman seen here in the smash 1982 film "How Nazi Supermen will one day be our Superiors"

Uma Thurman’s film career has been a rich tapestry of mediocre films and undercover alien activity, her frequent displays of affection for Hitler and Holocaust denial has garnered her some degree of criticism from the likes of Sean Penn who during the Cannes festival publicly denounced her as a fascist.

1980 to 1994[edit]

During the eighties Uma’s career was just starting out, she made her hit debut with an early short by John Malkovich the acclaimed "How Nazi Supermen will one day be our Superiors" (1982) defined the young Thurman’s career. The short sky rocketed the ‘young’ actress into global stardom with its' controversial themes. Notably the Massacre sequence involving Jesus Christ gunning down Jews and other minorities with his trusty Samurai sword-wielding Aryan Superwoman (played by Thurman) by his side.

1994 to 2002[edit]

After a short hiatus of 12 years she returned with Pulp Fiction this time dealing with how crime had infested the bourgeoisie malaise of western society without the guiding had of the Fuhrer, she than followed this with Gattica in 1998 film directed by Joseph Goebells explicitly adhering to the virtues of Eugenics. The film was declared a masterpiece by Tom Cruise. After a series of unsuccessful films for the Gay community and nerd collectibles such as 'Poison Ivy: The mythic arousing in the womb of Germany (1997) and Anemic Cat suit with Ralph Fiennes (1998). These films bombed and Ms Thurman went on hiatus with her film career until 2002.

2002 to Present Day[edit]

"I hate impure races this much"

Thurman ended her hiatus in 2002 and made a comeback with Kill Bill. The film was a Pseudo Documentary charting how the Nazi Aryan Superwoman could overthrow the decedent west symbolized by the decadent character Bill. The film was the kind of “sell though to DVD" exercise traditionally associated with the director Quentin Tarantino. She has followed her success with fascist Flick Kill Bill with a series of Rom-Coms to soften her traditionally inaccessible image. These have thus far been accepted only in America where her right wing views have not caused the controversy she has experienced in Europe. Particularly France where she in currently Banned from entering.[5]

She has also returned to Theatre after a long Hiatus after the assignation attempt of Mel Brooks during her run of The Producers (2000). She later worked with the likes of Noel Coward in productions such as The Seaguling of Eroticus Prime (2006) and I’ll hang you Brits on the Siegfried Line (2007)[6]. Noel Coward has citied her professionalism and the way she was Dedicated to the job she was doing. He has also gone on the record saying that he would hire Thurman again any day. It has been rumoured that Uma Thurman stopped working with Noel because he was "A really f***in queer version of Joe Pesci".[7]

She also acted in a number of Oscar Wilde Plays as well as being a close friend of the Irish Poof. Both describe a real "whirlwind" of creativity and often can be seen collaborating on indie-films like, "Jews yes Gays No" (2004).

Thurman and Oscar Wilde are collaborated on another indie film about Gypsies. The project ran into some trouble. Neither could get out of their respective drives as Gypsies have blockaded their garages with caravans and filthy looking children.[8]

Awards[edit]

Ms Thurman has won a number of awards including the Golden Fuhrer award of Germany. Arguably her lowest award she received was from Rabbi Ervin and his Jew Hater of the year award in 1998. She has also failed to receive much acclaim within Hollywood; however this lack of critical acclaim seems to have been like water off a ducks back for Thurman who is continuing to make films on a roughly "three films a year basis".

Controversy[edit]

After picking one of her spots, Ms Thurman Returns to addressing the Neo Nazi 07 rally

Uma Thurman’s political and financial support for the KKK's and the Neo Nazis has garnered the reputation of Misanthropist.

She has been seen in many high profile rallies’ supporting the various leaders of the Nazis. She has also pledged allegiance to Krypton despite having American Citizenship. Mediocrity has been found in her films that do not contain gratuitous violence. She has also been accused of trying to be sweet a fluffy when she is in fact a hard core fascist, and this has yet furthered the wider criticism of her current efforts. She has flouted all these criticisms saying she no ugly duckling no more and those critics "can sit on her dildo and wank themselves to the oblivion prepared for them". [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]

Uma Thurman is a strong supporter of the Nazi/Alien/Cooperate evil. Her continuing financial and philosophical support of this movement has garnered yet more 'bad press' from her critics. It is rumoured that that a recent spate of deaths amongst notable critics has been down to gunmen hired by Thurman. There have also been large acquisitions within the Media industry and is thought to be a plot to contain the press and journalism on her increasingly private and diabolic lifestyle.

Further Reading[edit]

References[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]