“UnDeduction is the sweet flower of life. Caress it... hold it... GENTLY, NOW! That's it...”
Hello, there. The name is Sherlock Holmes, and the address is 221b Baker Street, London, England. I am- hold on! Did I just give you my address? Oh, scrawny testicles! Forgive me, reader. I am very reclusive, as you probably know, and so when I- forget it. Anyway, the purpose of this current article is to inform, you the reader, of the astounding and influential powers of UnDeduction, a brilliant and completely legal branch of traditional deduction, which I do not fully agree with, but which I feel must be shared with the public.
UnDeduction, founded by the evil bastard Oscar Wilde, was first created to compete with my branch of deduction, which obviously is far superior and whatnot. The Wilde-ster's plan was originally to create an ingenious detecting method that would propel him to fame.
UnDeduction, delicate as it is, can be deadly useful when trying to understand who or what somebody is.
Begin by examining the entire form of the person. By doing this, you can establish some very basic, but very important facts about him/her. I'll break the main categories up for you.
- Round Body=Drinker, Paedophile, or Mafia leader
- Thin Body=Nerd, Scientist, or Cigarette user (just look at me!)
- Paper Thin=Either Musician or Groupie
- Brown Hair=Yuppie
- Black Hair=Young Businessman or Hair-Dying Teenager
- Salt and Pepper Hair=Paedophile, CEO, or David Hasselhoff
- White Hair=Old English Man
- Red Hair=SATAN!
- Slurred= Alcoholic, American, or Rocky Balboa
- Precise and Coherent=Professor, success-seeking student, British or Politician
- Deep=Mr. T or Shemale
- High=German person or Woman
- Creamy= Barry Manilow
- Brown= Average Joe
- Green= Harry Potter
- Blue=Elf, a really handsome guy, a good vampire, or a really good, pure person,
- Black= a bad vampire
- Kaleidoscope=Leonardo DiCaprio
- Large (as an Understatement)=Adrien Brody or Frank Zappa
- Small=Underwear model
- Corroding=Cocaine addict
- Broken=Sylvester Stallone, Mickey Rourke, or Mark Wahlberg (how many boxing/wrestling movies are they gonna make??)
- None=Clean, orderly, professional working man. You know you want to be like him.
- Abundant=Hobo or hippie.
- Trimmed/Molded=Evil guy from a movie, or anal-retentive guy who wants to look like a bad guy from a movie.
- Only Sideburns=Dirty Harry
Now that you've suffered through the art of using UnDeduction on innocent people, it's time to show you how to use the same skills to examine specific areas of the planet. A good place to start is to get a map and pinpoint your location, but there's no real fun in that, right?
When examining where you are, it's actually quite good to begin with observing the native people. If the surrounding homo sapiens are large, grumpy, and smell of grease, you can be quite sure that you're in America. Of course, if you have been to the States as many times as I have, you'll develop an ability to identify it just by the sticky feeling the air over there has on your skin.
When in a place a bit harder to identify, turn from the people and examine the architecture. Pointy buildings usually mean churches. Huge, square buildings with smokestacks mean mass-production, pollution, and death. Couple these examinations with your knowledge of world culture, and pretty soon you'll be as good as me at dissecting those juicy facts.
How many times have we looked at something and been like, "What the fuck IS that?!" Too many, in my opinion. So that's when UnDeduction steps in once again. When examining the object, first see if it is boxy. Then see if it has a keyhole. Intricate metalwork attached to the sides? If all these things are true, then you are holding a box of treasure, and you're in a shitty adventure movie. But that's only one situation! If the box you're holding contains a laptop computer, which in turn is showing the face of a creepy clown, you're in the Saw movie, not Indiana Jones. Do you see how quickly things can change? I bet you do. You seem like a very intelligent organism.
You can also find out the previous owner of an item that you do not own, but rather have
stolen found. Merely examine the details. People do all sorts of weird things to the stuff they own, and then try to hide those things. One of the best tools UnDeductors can purchase is a small black light that you can run over bedsheets, scattered tissue paper, household pets, clothing, windows, etc. to see how frequent a masturbator the person in question is. For example, if one were to run a black light over my items, they would find no splotches anywhere. I am a very clean person! Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for Dr. Watson. He is a very spontaneous- oh, there I go again! Please forgive me.
As you now know, examining items can be helpful in examining stuff. It is wonderful to be blessed with such knowledge, and from such a handsome detective, no less!
Places are areas where people or things are at any one time. These are terrific places to be to examine items, or the entire area itself. Here is how, since you seem to be enjoying listening to me ramble on;
- Look at where you are standing. Is there a dead body under your shoes? If so, check your hands. If rich, dried blood is caked onto them, and if specks of red colour your face, then reach back into your pocket and pull out that hammer, also caked in blood. Then take a calm and serious look on your life. Was your childhood troubled? Are you gripped with a terrible lust for murder? Are you- okay, I'll stop!