UnNews:Abducted Ohio girls check MySpace

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8 May 2013

Amanda Berry's profile page yesterday.

The three women rescued in Cleveland, Ohio after a decade of imprisonment have immediately logged into their MySpace accounts, illustrating how difficult it will be for them to acclimatize to society in 2013.

Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight were said to have accessed their accounts after spending just twenty to thirty minutes catching up with relatives, none of whom had the heart to tell them that almost all of the site's pages were now controlled solely by a weeping Justin Timberlake.

Berry told us: "The thing is, not much has changed in Ohio since 2003. Or, like, 1993, actually. I mean, there are more Starbucks and stuff, and phones have gotten like way better, but apart from that, it's just Cleveland, and I want to see how many friends requests I have."

DeJesus, who won Best State Surname in 2001, attempted to message us via our MySpace account. It took us several attempts to log in, because the account used an old email, and the password referenced a sexy television actress we stopped having the hots for in about 2004. Finally, we found her message, below literally hundreds from Tom. She wrote: "This is so cool, I have like all these new peeps to check out! OMG Bowling for Soup are playing this like totally small venue near my house! It must be like a secret tour before they hit the stadiums!"

Of the three, only Knight betrayed some sign of understanding what had come to pass in the last ten years. "It's really freaking me out, lots of people who were in my Top Eight have gone, and the home page looks weird. I'm confused and frightened... I need something to take my mind off it."

"Could you turn on the TV and see if that promising new sitcom How I Met Your Mother is on?"



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