UnNews:Anna Nicole Smith to be divided into thirds, distributed

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1 March 2007

Seidlin: "I want to thank the crew from MSNBC ... who brought in this box of tissues that have been ... so useful over the course of this trial..."

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida -- Citing legal precedent from biblical times, a judge has determined that the best course of action with Anna Nicole Smith's remains is trisection, according to court documents published Thursday.

Judge Larry Seidlin issued a tearful statement on his decision in court after a heated debate over possession of the starlet's body after her death on February 8th.

"I just want her to be buried with her son," said a sobbing Seidlin, "and her family, and her baby..."

The judge ordered Anna Nicole's body to be divided into thirds and distributed amongst the three interested parties. Her head will be given to her boyfriend and lawyer Howard K. Stern, who intends to bury it with Smith's 20-year-old son who died last year. Her legs will be given to her parents, who intend to bury her at a family plot in Texas. A paternity test is to be performed to determine the father of the baby, who will then be awarded the torso to do with as they see fit.

The reactions from the parties were immediate and harsh. Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, has stated that the decision "is morally, legally, and wholly unacceptable. ... We want to bury all of her. Failing that, we at least want the head, too."

Stern, who has control over Nicole's head, issued a statement that he desires "Smith's torso ... for old time's sake, you know?"

Dannielynn, Anna Nicole's infant daughter, was asked for her opinion on the ruling. Dannielynn slapped the side of an UnNews microphone twice, paused, fidgeted, and, giggling, slapped the microphone again.

Anna Nicole Smith, most famous for marrying an elderly millionaire, posing in Playboy Magazine, modeling plus-size clothing, hosting her own reality show, and serving as a spokesmodel for Trimspa dietary suppliments, died February 8, 2007, at the age of 39.

In related news, Seidlin used the same court document to announce his new reality show on E! Network called Suiseidlin is Painless, in which he will take calls from the local teen suicide hotline centered in Fort Lauderdale. He calls the series "the most important thing ... in my judicial career."