UnNews:Britain is on Fire
Friday, June 24, 2016
In the aftermath of the British EU referendum resulting in a vote to leave the country has spontaneously combusted.
In what scientists have described as an economically-fuelled widespread combustion of landmass the entirety of the country is now engulfed in flames. As this reporter types this report, I assure you that I am sitting in a hellish inferno that is melting my skin and burning my very bones to ash.
David Cameron gave a heartfelt speech today stating that he had warned us of the dangers to us and our families of a vote to leave and also added “Aaarrrghh!”.
“I knew that a vote to leave could be bad for our families but I never expected they would all have just instantly exploded as they did. We are truly doomed.”
Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP, gave a talk today in which he said despite the extensive blazes destroying the country he feels confident the country will be stronger than ever, like a forest fire, burning away the unneeded detritus of society and allowing for a new prosperous growth.
Other effects of the vote have resulted in a slight drop in the pound, widespread leprosy and bird attacks.
“The swans just came at me” a victim of a bird attack in Suffolk told us this morning. “Their eyes were filled with rage and they seemed to be squawking “Europe first!” over and over. It was made all the worse by the fact they and I were all on fire.”
Imran Khan of the British Science Association has told us “We knew there were many unknowns and the public blindly went into it. We warned that anything and everything could have happened. Yes it is true that possibly unicorns that shit rainbows could have graced the country with their healing aura, and years down the line that could again be the case, but for now we must deal with what we have, which is a living purgatory of fire and death; the new domain of Satan.”
The tweets and status updates of the irrational pseudo-intellectual remainers that litter Twitter and Facebook feeds who read two economics articles and now think they are experts ring out “I told you so, I told you we would all burn in an inferno. You leaver’s are so stupid, we told you all of this would happen” and “Well at least Cameron is resigning because my political opinions are only based on the fact I don’t like whatever twat is in power despite them all being exactly the same anyway.”
It seems the only hope for Britain now is if widespread flooding comes but the bastard French have refused to sell us Evian with immediate effect so we are at a loss as to where to acquire said water without help from the EU. As this reporter dies from fire burning my flesh and ravens pecking my eyes, I rejoice in the fact I also have leprosy and my pain receptors have been dulled and wonder forlornly as I think about what future a Britain that is perpetually on fire holds.