UnNews:Britons 'sleep in dirty duvets'

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27 March 2007

"I did a poo poo!"

The UK has come bottom in yet another F##KING league table. This time it has emerged that 6/10 Britons sleep in their own excrement.

Britons are the people most likely to be sleeping under duvets which are riddled with excrement, research shows. Tests carried out on 10 duvets at the University of Worcester found they contained up to 40% worth of human waste! A separate survey also revealed two-in-five Britons admitted to wantonly "pooing" the bed mainly as a result of "not being bothered to get up and go to the loo". The worst case was a duvet that had not been washed for 114 years and contained 45tonnes of debris which included colony of 359 rats!

One man, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted readily to regulary pooing or wetting the bed, "I wake up in the "wee" hours (you see what I did there?) and its so cosy under the duvet that I usually just crimp one off where I am. I do get a bit of a nasty rash on my arse, but its nothing a bit of vaseline can't fix."

Spokesman for the UK Duvet Users Society was quick to defend its users record, "I think you'll find that these figures have been skewed somewhat by the recent influx of Eastern European immigrants, who are used to living in caves any way."