UnNews:Country-wide Terrorist Attack Goes Unnoticed by Millions of Blindingly Patriotic Americans
5 July 2007
WASHINGTON -- A recent attack by a yet to be identified organization (Presumably Al Qaeda) has gone generally unnoticed by the overly-patriotic American populace. The attack, which started around 4:00PM EST and is still in
progress, occurred across the nation today, spanning from Alaska to Hawaii. Thousands of bombs were dropped in oddly centralized formations, dropping to the ground over and over again, and then releasing huge amounts of fear-inducing sparks straight upwards. The sparks, which varied in color from red to blue, seemed to fan out once they reached a certain height, an effect that allows the fire-starting capabilities of the sparks to span a larger area. The bombings seemed to centralize on the Capital, with attacks occurring every couple of miles.
"We just thought it was part of the holiday festivities, we honestly had no idea that we were under attack," said an overweight, forty year-old civilian (who presumably watches Fox News). Many other Americans seemed to be under the same, misguided impression as well. The Americans apparently associate the attacks with the two holidays occurring today, Independence Day, the celebration of alien invasion and Will Smith, and July 4th, the celebration of the deaths of John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, for unknown reasons. It is well known that the two holidays are celebrated by watching complete marathons of cable television shows and eating large amounts of watermelon (and other American foodstuffs). Where the delusional association of the holidays of July Fourth with terrorist attacks arose, we are still unaware.
Civilians are requested to stay indoors to avoid further casualties. To protect yourself from these bombings, lock yourself in a bunker with 3-foot thick lead walls. If you do not happen to be in possession of said bunker, find the bunker nearest you. We will live through this unpredicted catastrophe, and when the smoke has cleared and the rubble has settled, we will strike back against Al Qaeda with tact and force.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|