UnNews:Court refuses to allow dad to name son "Dick"

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20 May 2007

Battling parents-to-be Richard and Jennifer Head

CINCINNATI, OH - Radio personality Richard (“Dick”) Head of WKRP, vows to appeal a recent court decision prohibiting him from naming his son, whom his wife Jennifer is expecting in June, “Dick,” agreeing with her that the combination of such a given name with the family’s surname would be “like naming a boy Sue.”

“Naming a boy ‘Dick Head’ is as cruel and unnecessary as naming a child ‘Apple,’ ‘Moon Unit,’ ‘Dweezle,’ or ‘Suri,’” Judge Randolph Thomas ruled. The judge is considering the unprecedented action of terminating Head’s parental rights, even before the boy is born. “Some people--and you seem to be one of them--don’t deserve to be parents.”

According to Jennifer, her husband also considered naming their son “Butt,” “Crack,” “Hot,” or “Shit,” before settling on “Dick.”

Richard denied his wife’s allegations. “That’s not true,” he told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “I wanted to name him ‘Dick’ ever since I found out that Jen is preggers, and not because it’s a slang term for ‘penis,’ but because it’s short for ‘Richard.’ She just doesn’t want our boy to be named after his old man, and, of course, the bitch has no sense of humor. Imagine a boy named ‘Dick Head.’ It’s funnier than hell!”

"Faggot librarian" Rupert Giles

He said, had their child been a daughter, he would have liked to have named her ‘Giving,’ but his wife objected to that name as well. “There’s no pleasing a humorless idiot like her,” he complained.

The appeal is to be heard by Judge Fanny Packer in early June. Both parents are confident that their case will prevail.

“My boy’s going to be named ‘Dick,’ after me,” Richard assured his listening audience.

“Over my dead body,” his wife replied. She has chosen the name “Anthony,” in honor of the actor, Anthony Stewart Head, who played librarian Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. “He’s handsome, cultivated, and urbane--everything Richard’s not,” she said.

“My boy ain’t going to be named after no faggot librarian!” Richard vowed. “The little bastard will turn out to a bookworm and a queer.”

Reportedly, Jennifer is planning to divorce her husband. “I can’t live with him,” she said. “He’s a real dickhead.”