UnNews:Cracker Jack updates "surprises"

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

5 December 2006

The new Cracker Jack will "surprise" moms and dads, Sailor Jack agrees

FRITO-LAY HEADQUARTERS, PLANO, TX - Frito-Lay, the snack food giant that makes Cracker Jack, the "caramel-coated popcorn & peanuts" treat, has updated the toy "surprises" that are included inside every package of the popular confection.

Thirteen years past its 100th anniversary of Cracker Jack's debut, Frito-Lay spokesman Sailor Jack says, "It's high time our premier product be brought up to date with today's kids' tastes."

Contemporary children, he contends, no longer go to baseball games, and the World's Fair, at which Cracker Jack was introduced, is "a thing of the past."

"Nowadays, kids go to 'R'-rated movies with their moms and dads, play extremely violent video games, and surf Internet porn sites," Sailor Jack observes. "They're no longer amused by, or interested in, the toy surprises that Cracker Jack offered in more innocent days."

Past prizes include cheap finger rings, tacky decoders, baseball cards, stamp pads, folding picture puzzles, riddles, optical illusions, and "other assorted junk," Sailor Jack declares, "but the new prizes--they're, well, they're just crackerjack!" ("Crackerjack" is an old-fashioned expression meaning "awesome" or "cool.")

Instead of cartoons, miniature whistles, and secret codes, "today's Cracker Jack will include an assortment of blood, guts, gore, and, of course, the inevitable T & A," Sailor Jack says. T & A? "Slang expressions for certain female body parts," the spokesman clarifies, "that normally wouldn't be used around children, although, by the age of five or six--seven, perhaps, if they're late-bloomers--boys and girls know all about tits and ass."

Cracker Jack: a new "surprise" inside every box

Mom and Dad may be the ones to be surprised the next time little Johnny or little Susie reaches inside a box of Cracker Jack and pulls out one of the treat's new "surprises," Sailor Jack agrees, but, he adds, it's "all in the spirit of good, clean fun."

Consumers may expect to find the new surprises inside Cracker Jack packages in 2007, he adds.