UnNews:Drawn Football Matches to be decided by firing squad

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15 March 2007


SMITTEN-BY-JACKARSE, England -- In an attempt to "gee up the game a bit" UK Football League chairman Lord Mawhinney has proposed that drawn Football League games be decided via firing squad. He wants to introduce executions as an exciting footnote to the all too frequent bore draws we, the paying public, see these days.

Under the proposal, both sides will still get a point from a draw, but at the end of the game each team will line up in front of a firing squad and be shot. When asked about how teams were supposed to replace players who fall under a hail of lead death Mawhinney was adamant, "oh I think the modern squad is more than big enough to absorb these casualties."

Football club chairmen were quick to embrace the proposals: Bristol City chairman Farmer Barmelow has described the plans as "a genius idea". His Cardiff counterpart Peter Ramnobber was also supportive of the proposals, "I only wish it had been introduced years ago", he said earlier today.

In a pilot scheme, introduced in Japan seven years ago, more than 200 players were executed, forcing the season to be abandoned just two months after it kicked off.