UnNews:England football team "expected to hit cows arse with a banjo" by 2012

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7 May 2008

jeez, anyone would think someone has died!

England football coach Fabio Capello has been set the ambitious target of hitting a cows arse with a banjo by the 2010 World Cup or the European championships in 2012. It is one of a series of ambitious aims set out by the English Football Association to the non-English speaking England manager. The governing body also expects the national team "to be able to string two passes together".

The review was ordered following England's recent consistent failure to hit a cows arse with a banjo. It is a long time since 1866 when England managed to hit both cheeks of a cows arse with a banjo seemingly at will. Since then, despite a cows arse being proffered on numerous occasions the highly paid sports stars have time after time failed to hit the target.

England's men last hit a cows arse with a banjo at Euro 1996 when Terry Venables' side unfortunately lost to Germany after their banjo got stuck up the cows sphinchter. Chief executive Brian Barwick insisted the FA is not asking too much of Capello and said "a cows arse is quite large and I don't think it too much to ask for our finest footballers to be able to hit the bastard!"

When asked whether he thought too much was expected of him Capelli was typically reticent, "hey, ah no speakada eeenglish, capiche?"