UnNews:Final Harry Potter book "will be shit"

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1 February 2007


Author J K Rolands warned fans of the world's most famous boy wizard Harry Potter to not get too excited about his seventh (and last) adventure, due out in July. "To be honest I am bored with the four-eyed little prat and his piddling little adventures," she said this morning, "I can only write so many pages about yet more bloody talking books and f####ing flying broom handles for God's sake. But hey, it pays the bills (and drug dealers)."

The fate of fictional boy wizard is to be a closely-guarded secret but Rolwind has to admit her nonplusment at the manic excitement over what is to become of Potter, "without wanting to give too much away he dies horribly in page 3 of the novel. The rest of the book is made up of poems what I wrote whilst off my nut on glue and cocaine".

Despite the author's own protestations that the novel will be utter rubbish, book stores will be bracing for the inevitable outbreak of Pottermania as fans wait to snap up their copies of "Harry Potter and the Load of Ropey Old Bollocks". Fan Giles Pipwank was literally wetting his pants as he joined queues outside his local book shop, "I know it isn't out until the summer but by golly if I could be magicked forward in time then I'd snap it up yesterday, or something!".

Rolinds also hinted that the next Harry Potter film will be "a load of old [censored on legal advice]".