UnNews:First Hurricane of the Season Pretty Lame

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2 August 2006

Bill and Louise Planth try to get some enjoyment out of weak Hurricane Chris.

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Tough tourists on two small islands off the coast of Puerto Rico were disappointed as Tropical Storm Chris limped into the eastern Caribbean as the first potential hurricane of the Atlantic season.

"You call this a hurricane?" asked Biri Watkins, sitting casually on a sun chair near his hotel pool. "They got chicks in this hotel who blow harder than this. Where's the mass destruction and loss of life? Not here, that's for sure."

The storm was expected to pass at least 100 miles north of Puerto Rico, but authorities in the U.S. Virgin Islands thought that they'd only get about 8 inches of rain, which might cause a few weak-ass flash floods and mudslides.

"All-in-all, it's a pretty lame hurricane," said Rafael Mojica, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service. "It's not like last year with Katrina, man. Now that was a fucking cool storm! Boom! Death, property damage, people scattered like ants on a stomped anthill. Awesome!"

Some 600 tourists evacuated Culebra and Vieques, islands off Puerto Rico's east coast. "Everybody left because the storm is so piss-poor," said Jacinto Jiminez, owner of a hotel on Culebra, about 17 miles offshore. "Unless it's really going to fuck things up, most people just leave."

Puerto Rico's consumer affairs agency dispatched dozens of inspectors to ensure stores raised prices on basic necessities, which is a major component of the island's corrupt economy. Sadly, there were no reports of major damage or injuries as Chris slid past the Leeward Islands.

In Anguilla, the storm caused heavy rain and strong winds overnight but the storm was much less severe than expected because it shifted to the north at the last minute, said Elizabeth Klute, director of the disaster management agency for the British Caribbean territory. "We're bummed," Klute said. "Now I have no disaster to manage. It's moving on."

People in the islands of Antigua and St. Maarten awoke to a light rain. There were no reports of major flooding or other damage from the storm. Forecasters said the storm could hit anywhere from south of Cuba to Florida by late this weekend, hopefully creating all kinds of horrible misery and death.