UnNews:Glenn Beck credits God with earthquake-tsunami

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

17 March 2011

Glenn Beck v/s Hells Angels v/s Science v/s Economy v/s Madness: who is right about the cause of Japan's recent earthquake?

NEW YORK CITY -- Conservative commentator Glenn Beck asserted on Monday that Japan’s earthquake is punishment from God on the Japanese people for, among other sins, their lowly whaling industry.

“It’s as clear as the nose on my face. Can’t you see the connections?” he said on his syndicated radio show. “God was watching Japanese whalers, and He thought, ‘Yuck! How gross. I’ll send an earthquake and tsunami to really punish those little bastards!’

“What God does is God’s business,” Beck continued. “But I’ll tell you this: God hates Japanese whaling almost as much as He hates Democrats. Maybe we should stop supporting those things. I’m just saying.”

Meanwhile, Maurice "Sledge" Bouncer, the former President of the Hells Angels' Montreal chapter, who is currently serving three life sentences in Canadian prison, told the media, “Why give God the credit? Do you think God is some kind of sadist who likes to hurt people?” Bouncer asked. “As far as I’m concerned there is only one person with the right temperament and power to cause this shit-storm, and that is our man, Lucifer!”

While the right and left arms of religion clashed, secular scientists, headed by Prof. Dr. Milfred Horowitz, who holds a doctorate in common sense, said they were both wrong. “Republicans want to give all the credit to God, and Democrats want to give all the credit to the devil,” Horowitz pointed out. “But if you have a couple minutes I’ll explain to you how Earth quakes and other natural disasters cannot be credited to good or evil. These events are simply nature in action!” He concluded, without explaining who or what “nature” is, and why nature can be such a total asshole.

As agents of confusion continued making a connection between human behavior and natural disasters, meanwhile Sen. Ron Paul was quick to blame the FED. “End the FED, and all these natural disasters will end. Just look at history, before the establishment of the FED there were no disasters on earth at all.” Paul pointed out.

Charlie Sheen was also fast to pass a judgment; “It’s like when a flea bites a dog on the ass. Who do we blame, the flea for biting, or the dog’s ass for hurting?” Sheen asked rhetorically. “Now go chew on that one for a while!” He told the media.