UnNews:Hand transplant man masturbates for first time
5 January 2013
LEEDS, United Kingdom -- Mark Cahill, the 51-year-old who yesterday became the first Briton to have a successful hand transplant has already used his new hand for self abuse, it has been announced.
Cahill, a pub landlord, will not have full sensation or function in his hand for several months, but was nonetheless able to form his new appendage into a sort of claw, and thrust his penis gleefully back and forth through it until climaxing.
"I won't say it were the best wank I ever 'ad," Cahill told us, "But the pluses outweighed the minuses, if you know what I mean." As we didn't know what he meant, we had to ask, despite our feelings of reticence and squeamishness. "Well, you know, I weren't able to grip it like I normally do, subtlety went out t'window. But it were proper nice at same time. You know that 'ole thing about sitting on your 'and so it feels like it's someone else's? Well it were like that. Except it really were someone else's."
Cahill underwent the ground-breaking surgery, performed just twelve short years after the first French hand transplant, as he was suffering from gout. The condition had left his left hand bloated and immotile  which had two consequences. First, it meant that surgeons at Leeds General Infirmary were able to remove his former hand and replace it with the transplant hand all in one operation, and secondly that Cahill became the first man to masturbate with three of his own hands within a 24 hour period.
Head Surgeon Charles Hawtrey said, "It is still very early to assess how much control of the hand will be gained - so far he can wiggle his fingers, but has no sense of touch. Masturbation is a promising sign, as is the fact that he managed to slap Matron on the backside, admittedly whilst holding his arm with his good hand and swinging it."
But not everyone was so taken with Mr Cahill's slapping of ample buttocks and onanism. Joan Sims, the mother of Colin Sims, whose hand was used in the operation told us: "Well that's just charming isn't it? If it wasn't enough to lose my son in such circumstances at Christmas time  I now have to read about the filth this dirty old man is getting up to. My boy never once defiled himself in that way, and it turns my stomach to think my son's hand, after death, is being used to make a pub landlord ejaculate."
- Unfortunately the pub does not have the word 'hand' as part of the name. It's the King's Arms.
- Uncyclopedia's word of the day.
- Mr Sims died trying to save fellow donor Stephen Leavens from drowning. See UnNews:Thatcher's second heart to lead her to re-election? for more details.