UnNews:Jesus Christ Busts Paris Out of Jail

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14 June 2007

LOS ANGELES, CA - In a stunning occurrence earlier today, Jesus Christ came down from the heavens and freed Paris Hilton from her jail cell. Hilton, who was arrested on drunk driving, jailed, let go on house arrest, and jailed once again (all in one week), had recently made a phone call to Barbara Walters explaining that she had found God (he was in the cell next to hers), had seen the error of her ways, and promised she was a changed person. "I feel as if I'm a different person. I used to act dumb. That act is no longer cute." Paris said. "Now, I would like to make a difference. God has given me this new chance. I hope you read this over the phone, Paris, you fucking twat, I hope you die, you ass cunt! I quit! I'm not your goddamn publicist anymore! Fuck you!"

Oh yeah, Jesus is diggin' those.

Jesus sympathized with Paris, having being crucified for drunk driving. "I know what it's like to be wrongly imprisoned," Jesus said. "People didn't believe that I was the messiah. They turned on me. The same happened with Paris. She is being unjustly tortured. Seriously, I'd die without my mascara and some eyeshadow. How do you think I nailed Mary Magdalene?"

Jesus grew tired of the endless press coverage and ruthless commentary on poor Paris and decided to take action. He soared out of Heaven in a flaming chariot pulled by a thousand lions with wings of eagles and legs of stallions, sources say. "I can top that shit." Santa said. Or was it Satan? The clouds parted, trumpets sounded and the Prince of Peace was here to judge the living and the dead! Er, to bail Paris out of the slammer. He gracefully soared through the sky into Hollywood, and crumbled the walls of the prison with all of his mighty glory! As Paris so rightfully proclaimed "That's hot", she climbed aboard a magical unicorn with Jesus and they galloped down Hollywood Boulevard into the sun. And then they went clubbing.

Cquote1.png God was like, all shiny...and white and stuff...it was hot. So, like, whatever, I guess I'll, like, do something...like a charity or like a bake sale or like something...Jail, like, sucks...but, like, God is cool so like yeah it's cool I guess...but it still sucks. Like, Jesus was all like...weird at first...but he was like whatever and he was cool. Kinda like Fred Durst. Jesus is like...on ecstasy or something...So there's this really mean lesbian in the cell next to mine... Cquote2.png

—Paris Hilton