UnNews:Jesus is back

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12 April 2009

Jesus asks God the Father which Pagans to eat first.

WASILLA, Alaska -- Today is Easter Sunday, and we remember that Christ died on the cross, hibernated for three days, and rose from the dead, transformed by a wrathful God the Father into Raptor Jesus. For nearly two millenia, Raptor Jesus or "RJ" has risen from the dead every Easter to hunt pagans and Christian apostates.

Former vice-presidantial candidate Sarah Palin attended services at the Church of the Fruit Bat Loony, where evangelical minister Mordecai Moderate-Swelling preached a message of hope and peace for Christians, and some other monotheists. "This year, we pray that Raptor Jesus will return America to small town Americans, real Americans who will praise His Name and spy on their neighbors for security's sake," said the barely-educated but not left behind Reverend Swelling. "We pray, oh Lord, that George Bush be miraculously restored to power for a third term, that government keeps its hand off our guns, and abortion becomes a death penalty offense."

The only remaining denomination still devoted to Raptor Jesus are the Lutherans.

According to Lutheran tradition, Raptor Jesus was hatched for the purpose of eating pagans, and replacing them with Christians. This led to the Boxer Rebellion, and eventually, bunnies.

All over the world, on this, Christianity's holiest day, children will gorge themselves on eggs, chocolate, and sweetened dung beetles. Bunnies will be eaten whole as church bells ring, and all of Christendom will rejoice.

Pagans and Wall Street brokers should probably hide until after midnight, when RJ will return to His almighty hibernation for another year. Doing so will greatly reduce their chances of being eaten.


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