UnNews:Jim Skinner announces resignation as McDonalds CEO, or something

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19 June 2007

Oak Brook, Illinois. Jim Skinner, 60, has announced his resignation of Chief Executive Officer of McDonald’s Corporation at a large ceremony surrounded by his wife and subordinates.

The ceremony included many events throughout the entire night, including Jim Skinner himself telling a few jokes. One of the most interesting examples of Mr. Skinner’s “corporate McHumor” during the middle of the ceremony was calling his successor, Dave Cheeseburger, “one of the most McDonaldized people that I have ever met.” Mr. Cheeseburger stepped up to say a few words of praise for his lifelong hero, Mr. Skinner: “This is a man that has always held McDonald’s as being above a job; in fact, I would venture to say that McDonald’s has been Mr. Skinner’s life.” No greater praise has ever been said of a McDonald’s CEO in all of history.

However, the most emotional moments of the night came at the end of the ceremony. Remembering his finely honed manners, Mr. Skinner stood up to thank all of his subordinates. However, he had some very special words for what he called his “favorite people of the McFamily”: those at the very bottom of the corporate ladder. “So, I want to say a massive thank-you to the students struggling through college, the McLifers that failed to properly navigate our government’s high-quality school system, the illegal immigrants supporting families and the working single mothers with children toiling for extra cash- thanks to the McFamily that is made up of you guys I need never work again! That’s what McDonald’s teamwork is all about!” His statements were met with applause by his corporate subordinates and even a few tears were shed by emotional workers watching the ceremony on television. One worker was quoted as saying, “I am so glad that McDonald’s decided to recognize us and our work publicly.” Reactions were also positive from shareholders as well; one investor said about the crew, “Those people are like gold dust to us-literally.”

Elsewhere, some guy named Victor has been working for McDonald’s as a crew member for 40 years. A representative from corporate headquarters stopped by on the way to the restroom to congratulate him, saying, “Great work; good show for our team-thanks to you, I have made more in the last month than you have in those 40 years!” After he realized the potential public relations consequences of what he said, the corporate representative generously offered to service the digital watch that Victor had received from the company 20 years ago!

As for his plans for the future, Skinner announced that he was going back to his "first love" -- education. In fact, Skinner was a school principal attended by such famous celebraties as Bart and Lisa Simpson. "I stopped being a principal because people thought of me as being too 'cartoonish.'" Skinner admitted that he changed his first name for 'business purposes,' but would now go back to being called Seymour. He added that "Although there were some trying moments, I loved being a school principal." Skinner continued "But after all is said and done, it was Micky D's that put what passes for beef, on the table."



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