UnNews:John Mark Karr confesses to Lindbergh baby kidnapping

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

17 August 2006

The confession may solve the decades long mystery.

BANGKOK, Thailand -- The 41-year-old teacher who confessed to murdering JonBenet Ramsey announced Thursday that he also killed Charles Lindbergh, Jr.

"I loved Charlie," John Mark Karr told assembled reporters. "I was with Charlie when he died; his death was an accident."

Charles Lindbergh, Jr. disappeared from his parents' home on March 1, 1932. After an exhaustive two-month search, the body of the toddler was found by the side of a highway on May 12, 1932. German immigrant Bruno Hauptmann was later convicted and executed for the crime, proclaiming his innocence to the end.

"I deeply regret what happened to Mr. Hauptmann, for he was an innocent man," Karr said. "Because I killed the Lindbergh baby, pretty much."

Boulder Police Department sources said Thursday it was too early to draw conclusions from the confession, but noted similarities between the cases that "seem more than coincidental." Like the Ramsey case, a note was left in the Lindbergh kidnapping. In addition, Ramsey and Lindbergh were both children.

New Jersey Attorney General Zullma Fuller said Thursday that the confession meant an "important breakthrough" in the seven-decade-old case, but warned that "a great deal of work remains" before matters proceed to court.

Several experts, however, have questioned Karr's confession, noting that he could not have been in Englewood, New Jersey at the time of the kidnapping, as the abduction occurred 32 years before his birth.

"I invented a time machine," Karr said in response to questions about it. "I invented a time machine because I loved Charlie so much. What happened was an accident."

Karr has also confessed to the murder of Jimmy Hoffa, Kaspar Hauser and the Princes in the Tower.

"I deeply admired Edward V and his brother, and I wanted to be with them after their father died," he said. "I thought he needed some instruction before taking on the duties of kingship. I realize that Richard III has been implicated in their murders, and I want the world to know that it was me."

Authorities would not comment on Karr's possible role in the sinking of the H.M.S. Lusitania.


UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.