UnNews:LBJ elevated into Holy Trinity

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15 September 2006

The Trinity as of Friday. Counterclockwise from top: The Father, The Son and LBJ.

PRIMUM MOBILE -- In a surprise announcement Friday, the Father announced that former president Lyndon Johnson has been brought into the Holy Trinity.

"My servant Lyndon has proven absolutely irreplaceable since I called him home," the Father told a group of reporters. "I am certain he will be an invaluable aid to My servants, both in that world and the next."

Johnson, who died in 1973, stood next to the Father and the Son throughout the 45 minute press conference. Before taking the podium, he turned to the normally remote Father, said "How are you, my love?" and planted a kiss on his head.

"We're going to have a heaven the way we do in Texas," Johnson said. "This administration will create a 'Great Afterlife,' where every soul has a chance to live the American dream."

Johnson will replace the Holy Spirit in the Trinity. The circumstances of Johnson's elevation are unclear, although the those close to the Holy Spirit's camp claim that "Bull" Johnson turned the Father against the long-time comforter. As the spirit and emanation of God, Johnson will descend upon the elect in prayer and during sacraments, and will also possess those speaking in tongues.

"Spelawagnoenocalifalwa," said Jerome Foster, a 32-year-old mechanic from Erie, Penn. channeling Johnson on Friday. "Shameenalapallodon, This God declares unconditional war on poverty, wanneapapolan."

Churches around the world reacted with surprise to the announcement, but have made necessary adjustments. Pope Benedict XVI formally changed the Sign of the Cross to the "The Father, the Son and LBJ" on Friday, and added "The Vantage Point" into the New Testament. Pat Robertson finished a broadcast of The 700 Club Friday night by praying for "the gifts of LBJ" as he lifted two beagles by their ears.

Johnson has had a meteoric rise through the ranks of heaven since being sprung from Purgatory in 1984. Initially a single soul enjoying the bliss of paradise, Johnson's combination of restless energy and shameless sucking up to the higher powers propelled him through the celestial spheres. In 1993, Johnson became the first mortal to lead the Seraphim.

"Oh, he worked us to the bone," the angel Gabriel said. "If a person called on their guardian angel twice, he'd burst out of his office and start cussing us all out. I can't tell you of all the nervous breakdowns Michael had."

Johnson also developed a strong relationship with the Father, listening intently to his stories about floods and smiting unbelievers while acting as a surrogate son to the lonely Godhead. Although Jesus has expressed jealously over the Father's closeness to Johnson, the Father has not apologized.

"LBJ's political genius has shown itself again," dead political observer Walter Lippmann said. "Talleyrand almost damned himself trying to become an archangel; Johnson just has the mojo."

Johnson further burnished his credentials in a public letter to the Father last year. "To those needing guidance, he is a compass," Johnson wrote. "To those needing advice, he is a sage. The Father is more than a credit to the universe; he is a beacon for it."

At an event last week, the Father broke down in tears describing his love for Johnson.

"I just want to take care of this boy," the Father said. "I can't tell you what his company means to me."

The former president has not escaped criticism.

"That's 'Bull' in all his glory," said former Texas governor Coke Stevenson, referring to the letter. "He was saying the same things about St. Bernard, just to get into the highest heaven. And when he got there, boom! It's like Bernard never existed."

Johnson said his agenda will include containment of communism in hell, strong domestic programs to preserve God's alliance of Southerners and blue-collar northerners, and a "determined effort" to keep Robert Caro out of paradise.