UnNews:Lazy student really just doesn’t have time for this

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1 September 2006

College student Amanda Kennedy, out of time, out of patience.

OAKBRIDGE, California -- A local college student, despite having two weeks to write and turn in her paper for a grade, simply does not have time to deal with this right now.

“I stayed up all night on this paper,” college junior Amanda Kennedy said. “I just want to get it to print out, so I can go to class and not fail. I really need to pass this class, or I’m never going to graduate.”

Kennedy, a member of a local sorority, opted to spend her free time indulging in alcohol, debauchery and other aspects of campus life before committing her time to her studies at hand.

“I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” Kennedy said. “My class is in ten minutes and this paper is worth a fourth of my grade.”

Despite being a clear case of karma coming back to bite her in the rear, workers at the Oakbridge University Library were unsympathetic to Kennedy’s plight.

The librarian is going to get you, my pretties.

“It’s not my damn problem,” librarian Angelica Heddon said. “Did I wait to the last minute to do my assignment? Did I break the printer? Do I look like I get paid enough for this? I’ll bet you all three have the same answer.”

A technician was called to the scene to repair the wayward instrument, but Kennedy was nowhere to be found.

“I guess she went to Kinkos or something,” student assistant Patrick Grissom said. We tried to tell her about the upstairs printers, but, you know, she wasn’t listening.”

As of this writing, Kennedy’s grade point average is still unknown.

“I think she’s fucked,” Grissom said.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.