UnNews:Lindsay Lohan auditions for "Halloween III" as Michael Myers

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16 March 2010

(L-R) Lindsay Lohan auditions for brothers Bob and Harvey Weinstein.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- With the shocking news last week that Tyler Mane will not return as Michael Myers in the frequently-delayed sequel, Halloween III (a.k.a. Halloween 3D) -- due to his increased height -- troubled "actress" Lindsay Lohan took it upon herself Thursday to take on the iconic role, which was bastardized in Halloween II after the character’s younger self was recast due to Rob Zombie’s ill judgment and Daeg Faerch’s puberty and growth spurt. Faerch's replacement was some wanker named Chase Vanek who pissed on everything Faerch perfected with the role.

Random picture of Tom Atkins. Inserted just because Tom Atkins is the man!

"That fucking pissed me off," says Lohan. "Daeg owns the fucking role and no cocksucker can take it away from him, not even if his name is Rob Zombie... which it very much is. And I damn well told the Weinsteins about it. When I heard the buzz that Daeg might be coming back [which turned out to be a false report by IMDb user Jokeritt], I thought I might as well jump on this."

Those Myers-loving Jew brothers Bob and Harvey Weinstein were busy filming Scream 4 when Lohan crashed the set, dressed from head-to-toe in a costume resembling Mane’s "hobo" Michael Myers and a prop knife she bought from Toys Я Us.

"I’ve gotta give her credit for that," says Bob Weinstein. "I did love her half-mask."

Unfortunately, the brothers Weinstein had to break the news to her -- not only is the film on hold, but director Patrick Lussier and screenwriter Todd Farmer are "going in a different direction" with the legendary film series than what Zombie unleashed.

"It’s all a conspiracy to put me out of work," says the currently unemployed "actress," struggling to make a comeback. "I refuse to believe that they would nix Halloween II from the official canon. The movie sucked big monkey balls, ESPECIALLY Vanek as Young Michael, and Rob Zombie sucks balls for what he did to Daeg, but I still think it deserves to be canon, as do Halloween 3, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, and Halloween: Resurrection. I’m hopeful that Daeg Faerch will, in fact, be rehired to right Vanek’s wrongs."

It has been rumored that Kane Hodder auditioned afterwards, but it is still pending confirmation.

Halloween III is supposed to be released in 2011. God help us all.


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