UnNews:Lobbyists Propose Controversial Change To No Child Left Behind

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27 July 2008

"Leave Some Of Those Fuckers Behind"[edit]

One of the stores that would go dreadfully undermanned if no children were left behind.

NEW YORK, New York: Over a thousand lobbyists have gathered in protest of the educational booster program, No Child Left Behind. Though there have been minor protests against this program ever since its implementation in 2001, this is the first gathering of this magnitude.

In an official release, David Reichert, leader of the program, explained the system that he claims is a far more realistic view of our education. "While Leave Some Of Those Fuckers Behind (LSTFB) may sound a little harsh, it's a fully necessary program," Reichert explained in the document. "I mean, let's face it: Some of these kids just aren't going places."

Protesters were eager to explain their stance on the issue to anyone available to listen. Said one particularly excitable dissident, "If we don't leave some of those stupid hicks behind, who's going to be the cashier at the Seven Eleven? Who's going to cook the french fries? Who's going to be the janitor at the schools? Those kids who actually have futures need clean schools! But lastly, and most importantly... who's going to carry my groceries to the car? I'm way too lazy to do it, and those groceries aren't going to move themselves."

At press time, the demonstration was still raging in the streets.