UnNews:Massachusetts outlaws laser-eyed cats as public health risk

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23 February 2010

Never look directly into the eyes of a laser-eyed cat.

BOSTON, Massachusetts -- The Massachusetts Legislature narrowly passed a measure outlawing possession of laser-eyed cats, Komodo dragons, and other potentially deadly animals without proper training and licensing from the State Board of Veterinary Impunity. The bill's proponents say it is aimed at preventing injury and death from improper handling of such dangerous fauna.

Senator Charles Chlomachty (D--Somerville), who voted against the measure, said, "This is just another way for Big Brother to get into our business."

Purple eye laser beams are particularly dangerous.

Retired hippie and southpaw Lars Kreegan campaigned against the bill for economic reasons. He told UnNews, "Last week my neighbor rented 3 laser-eyed cats and a Komodo to pull stumps from his back lot. That set him back $240, with him doing all of the work. If he'd had to hire a licensed professional, it would have run thousands (of dollars). The day you can't maintain your own property, well, I just never thought I'd live to see it."

The bill's supporters say that its passage will save the state two hundred million dollars next year in medical expenses for laser-eyed cat injuries alone.