UnNews:McDonald's offers cadmium-laced Shrek glasses

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5 June 2010

The gargoyles on these glasses are not hardly as scary as their contents.

LOS ANGELES, California -- Anxious for ideas to spur lunchtime sales at its restaurants, McDonald's Corporation is trying a movie tie-in to the Shrek sequel.

Free drinking glasses containing cadmium are designed to make the young customer's hair fall out and his skin turn green, just like the cinema hero pictured on the glasses.

However, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is not sure the dosage of cadmium in the glasses is sufficient to induce the desired reaction. The CPSC is set to force a product recall of all twelve million gifts, until they can be replaced with more efficacious glasses with a higher concentration of the heavy metal. The CPSC warns that the alternative might be interminable product-liability lawsuits by customers who demand their fair share of cadmium.

McDonald's is also distributing 3-D goggles with each purchase of a Happy Meal. They will ensure that the change in the diner's skin tone will merely be amusing. And they will also prove useful when watching the high-tech movie.

Faced with a food-poisoning epidemic, in addition to two continuing foreign wars and an unstoppable, historic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, President Barack Obama spent the day--well, discussing his poll numbers and the Cleveland Cavaliers on Larry King, and hosting Paul McCartney at the White House, who toasted the President for not being a moron like his predecessor. White House spokesman Barry Gibb said the President would probably appoint a bipartisan commission on drinking glasses.