UnNews:Melamine contamination found in Chinese breast-milk

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4 October 2008

Omaha, Nebraska All-American soccer mom Peggy Incisor had no idea why her newborn baby girl suddenly became lethargic, flatulent, and blue in the face. Then she remembered the can of "Happy-Baby" genuine human milk she had fed the infant. "I looked on the label," Mrs. Incisor told Uncyc, "and there it was: Made in China. I burst into tears. I knew right then it was melamine poisoning."

Sarcastic Chinese official Lum Quiao, a heavy drinker of breast-milk.

Indeed it was. Chinese breast-milk, a staple of the booming market in human milk products, had been adultrated with a potentially deadly additive. Uncyc interviewed a stereotypical official, Mr. Lum Quiao of the Socialist Bureau of Chests. Was it true, we asked, that the Chinese were using dangerous chemicals to boost the protein content of milk?

"Not so," Mr. Quiao replied. "Chinese breast milk of most high quarrity. Chinese woman titties of most high quarrity too. No Chinese woman putting merramine in titties. I also, my very own self, drink Chinese breast milk five, six, seven time per day. No bad effect! Perfectry healthy!"

If that is so, we asked, why was he unable to pronounce "melamine" correctly? As we all know, orientals sometimes have difficulty with the Western "R" but not with the "L" sound. Whence this speech defect?

"Is because I speak as stereotyped Chinese! I speak this way to be understood by stupid American running dogs. Duh! Get a rife, dude."

But many otherwise innocent families in America have been touched by this tragedy. Soccer mom Peggy Incisor explains.

"When I had our children I knew that breast-milk was the best option for them. But I was not going to become a milch-cow for my family. I do not want to end up at age 35 with boobs that look like half-filled hot-water bottles."

The alternative?

"I decided to buy human breast-milk at the local Walmart," said Mrs. Incisor. "It's quick, it's convenient, and it's healthy. Or at least I thought it was, before America was betrayed by those darned Commie sluts. One billion nipples available, and they have to put chemicals in the milk. It's disgusting, and it hurts honest American women who just want to keep their own boobs pert and youthful."

Lai Ling, Chinese breast-milk producer, being comforted by her daughter.

What of the effects of this tragedy in China? We visited a small village in the Hunan province, and found that many older women living there supplement their family income by selling breast milk to a nearby creamery. But it is not always easy to produce on demand. We spoke to 86-year-old Lai Ling. Why, we asked, did the creamery spike her product with melamine?

"我的牛奶是含水的," Mrs. Ling replied, patting the chest of her traditional Mao jacket. As we speak no Chinese and lacked an interpreter, we don't know what she said. Too bad. It might have been interesting.

Next we tried to speak to the creamery owner but a lackey told us he had been shot in a hunting accident the day before. In fact, the lackey told us, all the management staff of the creamery had gone on a "little hunt trip" with the local Red Army battalion, and all had suffered accidental gunshot wounds to the head. So we were unable to pursue that line of investigation further. Besides, we had missed our din-din and wanted to go home.

In a related story, it now appears that American flag decals manufactured in China contain potentially explosive glue made from trinitrotoluene. This glue was formulated in order to boost the nitrogen content to American nutritional standards for patriotic displays. Peggy Incisor's husband, Bobby-Jack Incisor, had displayed one of the Chinese-made flag decals on the back of his pickup truck. "I hit a pothole and the fucking flag blew the rear end off my Ford," Bobby-Jack said. "There ought to be a goddamned law. What do we pay those bastards in Washington for if not to protect us hard-partying Americans from shoddy Chinese merchandise that we buy on the cheap at Walmart? Huh?"

Good points from the Incisor family. Sleep tight, America, and always check the labels.