UnNews:Milton Friedman demands free-market afterlife

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16 November 2006

The Nobel laureate strongly criticized God's monopoly on salvation.

PRIMUM MOBILE -- Recently deceased economist Milton Friedman sharply criticized the Almighty's use of salvation Thursday, saying his unchecked dominance of heaven and hell threatened individual liberty.

"Freedom of grace is absolutely essential to individual freedom," the 94-year-old Friedman told St. Peter outside the gates of heaven. "God's statist attitudes toward immortality are inhibiting the growth of souls and undermining democracy in paradise."

Friedman encouraged the Lord to remove blessings from the elect and plagues from the damned, arguing it creates "unproductive dependence on the Lord's will." He did suggest, however, that God subsidize the evil with grace to bring up their good works over the poverty of spirit level. He also strongly encouraged God to turn the work of angels over to a group of enterprising souls, led by F.A. Hayek and himself.

"Jesus once said, 'Love thy neighbor as thyself'," Friedman told the chief apostle. "In fact, he had it wrong. 'Love thy neighbor' assumes you are the patron, and thy neighbor the ward; you are the master, and thy neighbor the servant."

St. Peter did not respond to Friedman's comments. Many believe he is under the influence of John Kenneth Galbraith, who has urged God to increase his role in man's free will.

Speaking to dead reporters outside eternal bliss, Friedman said God's only duties should be protecting His followers from harm and regulating the supply of blessings.

"The very difficulty of avoiding the enactments of the Lord is of course the great attraction of centralization to many of His proponents," Friedman said. "But the great tragedy of this drive, as of the drive to expand God's power in general, is that it is mostly led by men of good will who will be the first to rue its consequences."

Friedman has been invited to Purgatory to help implement free market reforms to salvation.


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