UnNews:Movie theater to split movie, concession stand, bathroom services into separate entities

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29 September 2011

Bill Warren greets patrons at the Krunch-N-Munch concession stand.

WICHITA, Kansas -- Patrons of the Warren Theater in Wichita -- and its Moore, Oklahoma counterpart -- are in an uproar after the theater chain's owner, Bill Warren, announced that the company would be splitting off its concession stand and bathroom services into separate, non-inclusive entities. The movie branch will retain the Warren name; the concession stand branch will be renamed Krunch-N-Munch; and the bathroom branch will be rechristened PissTake. Each service is assigned its own individual building, miles apart. Each service is run independent of the others.

"We did it just to be assholes," Warren says. "Plus, Netflix is already screwing its customers with this Qwikster debacle. We decided, why not give movie fans something else to bitch about. If we lose any money, we'll make even more with the debut of the IMAX we're putting in the Moore theater."

Netflix, as you know, is separating its DVD/Blu-ray-by-mail and streaming services into two different companies. The streaming service will retain the Netflix name while the mailing service will ironically be named Qwikster. Millions of subscribers have already cancelled their memberships.

Longtime Warren patrons are not happy. "This is an outrage!" says Bill Jones, 32. "If I wanna watch a movie without all the bullshit, I'd just as soon go to Blockbuster."

Chris James, 40, says, "If I have to use the restroom, I now have two choices: Hold it in, or drive 20 miles to the appropriate building, by which time I will have already pissed my pants. Thanks a lot, Warren! I truly appreciate it! I'm going to Blockbuster."

Sharon Love, 48, says, "I get hungry easily at the movies, and now I have to drive 15 miles for popcorn or Dots or Junior Mints or whatever, then drive back to the theater and miss half the goddamn movie? Blockbuster, here I come."

Norman, OK, Blockbuster manager Steve, 29, isn't surprised by the sudden resurgence in popularity. "It's about time. What Netflix and Warren are doing is wrong on so many levels. Their services should be one-stop shops for all your movie-watching needs. The only reason to keep Netflix is to stream Power Rangers, and when it comes to DVD, kick Netflix/Quikster to the curb. I can't hold my hunger or piss for too long, so I'll just go to a different theater or wait until it comes to Blu-ray. We'll have it on Day One. Netflix/Qwikster and Redbox won't."

The Warren name changes have already taken effect, but has sparked controversy because the Twitter handle Crunch 'N' Munch is already taken by the Cracker Jack wannabes (and legal action is pending), and the Twitter handle PissTake is owned by an anti-semitic drunk and stoner in Jamaica.

For more information on any of these debacles, visit http://www.blockbuster.com