UnNews:Nasrallah: I did not have sex with that virgin

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16 July 2006


Beirut, the Lebanese Flatlands

In a response for the blatant Israeli attack on his good reputation Sayid Hassan Nasrallah responded from his deep underground bunker:

"Brothers in arms! I have been fighting the Zionist Entity since the early 1980's. I have faced numerous attacks. My men were pulverized; my supporters hunted down, my house burned to the ground. I have been beaten, drugged, dragged, drenched, electrocuted, starved, kicked around, shaved and deported.

"I didn't lay a finger on her even though I am THIS big!"

The Zionists send their minions against me; they send their dogs, their weapons of mass distraction, their women, their tanks, their evil reporters to ask me relentlessly.

But never, have my good reputation been offended as such. The shameless infidel dogs insinuated that I have had sex with one of the 72 virgins, therefore shaking the foundation of Islam and condemning the rest of my warrior brothers to a mere 71!

How dare they! How dare they! My wrath knows no borders! I shall smite down their silly little towns, ride their women and rape their horses!"

Outraged responses swiftly followed from around the Muslim world. "If this is indeed correct" stated Sheik Tantawi, a leading Sunni cleric "We might have to banish Sayid Nasrallah into Judaism".

"Never in my life did I believe that my dear friend Hassan is capable of this," exclaimed the Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

"Shit," exclaimed the Syrian president Assad Jr..

Eating baked beans in the bunker all day long can be hazardous to your health


Israeli ministry of information