UnNews:Neil Young takes music off Spotify

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Sunday, July 19, 2015

File:Neil Young hotel.jpg
Young looking typically cool and casual and not at all desperate for money

Veteran rocker Neil Young is preparing to take down all his music from music-streaming services Spotify and Apple Music because of their poor sound quality. After listening intently to the entirety of his vast repertoire, comparing with a scientist's precision the streaming services to every other major format, he came to the sound conclusion that "Sound quality is worst in audio history". He justified this conclusion with a direct comparison between formats that highlights the exact differences in quality: "AM radio kicked streaming’s ass. Analogue cassettes and eight-tracks also kicked streaming’s ass, and absolutely rocked compared to streaming."

When people complained about the credibility of his statements, Neil Young replied "My ears kick your ass. I've been doing gigs since the '60s so I know sound quality." He claims that the move is "not about money" and "definitely not a marketing ploy given the launch of my high-quality digital download service Pono and PonoPlayer portable digital media player."

Young was later seen outside the Grandoise Hotel in L.A. with a large cardboard sign that read "Will fuck for cash". UnNews approached him, inquiring about what he would be prepared to do for $60 on camera, and he replied "I'll kick your ass. I absolutely rock compared to UnNews. Help me. I'm practically starving out here. Give me that fucking cash." Without giving in immediately, I asked him if he'd had any previous customers. He replied "Definitely not Donald Trump. He didn't give consent, and his campaign is the worst in presidential campaign history."

I then proceeded to hand over the $60, at which point he took me up to his apartment and kicked my ass repeatedly. I wailed in pain but it was worth the money.


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