UnNews:Nerds take to the skies

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5 June 2007

"Okay, before we take off...did everyone remember their asthma inhalers?"

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- Belgian nerds have taken their love of Star Wars to new heights. Benoît Lambert, a resident of Brussels and member of the famed 501st Legion FanWars Garrison, has created a giant Star Wars-themed hot air balloon.

"We're taking our love of Star Wars to new heights." said one member before reading the above introductory paragraph. "Oh, you already used that pun. Sorry. Wanna see my light saber? It's at my mom's house. Hold on, I'll go get it."

This intrepid reporter entreated him not to bother, but he insisted. It turned out to be pretty cool, making swoo and wehrang sounds and it lit up and everything. This reporter momentarily considered purchasing one, but according to the unnamed geek the sword-thingy cost several hundred dollars, and this miserly reporter is simply not willing to drop that kind of coin on a toy. But this reporter digresses.

The balloon, shaped like Darth Vader's helmet, looks just like Darth Vader's helmet. But bigger. Hot-air balloon big. Made from what Benoît Lambert estimates to be "...a kajillion..." garbage bags, it has a lifting capacity of up to six skinny nerds, or two point five husky ones.

"We're still in the testing stage. At this point, for example, we don't know how many Ewoks it can carry." says Benoît, referring to the adorable and tasty forest moon-dwelling creatures from Return of the Jebi.

"'Jedi'. It's 'Star Wars: Episode VI, Return of the Jedi'." corrected Benoît, "Geez, you didn't bother to do your research, did you? I can't believe we asked if you'd like to join us for D&D tonight!"

Benoît called in sick to his job at the comic book store so that he could complete the balloon before the 501st's annual Darth Vader birthday celebration.

This plucky reporter humbly thanked Mr. Lambert by subjecting him to a severe pantsing and an atomic wedgie.

Both the 'pantsing', the involuntary removal of Mr. Lambert's pants, and the 'atomic wedgie', the pulling of the back of his underwear up and over his head, proved to be just as comedic as this reporter remembers them being, back in the day. More so, since for once it wasn't happening to this daring reporter's pants and underwear, respectively.

Benoît, however, proved to be less than amused and bludgeoned this resilient reporter mercilessly with a mint-quality, first edition vinyl Yoda hand puppet. This heinous act almost put a scratch on this aggrieved reporter and, needless to say, reduced the value of the hand puppet considerably.

This gallant reporter did get revenge for Benoît's act of revenge by totally backstabbing his bard with this reporter's dagger of bard backstabbing +2 at that evenings round of Dungeons and Dragons.

Benoît's future plans include the construction of a hot-air Death Star and, eventually, kissing a girl.