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21 December 2006

Following the announcement of the new title, Rowling fed off the blood of sorrowful kittens.

LONDON, England-- Famed children’s writer and mediocre prose stylist J. K. Rowling has announced that the title for the next installment of her Harry Potter book series will be HARRY POTTER AND THE DEADLY FATAL MURDER DEATH. The cover image is slated to be a crowd of pandas being machine gunned into mass graves.

I wanted to set an ominous tone,” said Rowling, who has been hinting at the body count of her next children’s novel for months. She added: “There is a very real possibility that Harry will definitely die. Because everyone dies. Even children’s mummies and daddies die. In fact, I bet they’re dying right now.” With this final statement, Rowling sullenly backed away from the podium and sunk into an inky black mist.

The title’s announcement has come as a shock to some Harry Potter fans who were hoping the title would be THE HARRY POTTER AND THE EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER YAY! BOOK. Several children who were at the press conference emerged with ashen expressions muttering about Muggles as they traced dotted lines on their wrists as guides for future slashing.

The new book has no release date because Rowling is unsure how to time it to cause the maximum amount of anxiety for her impressionable readers. However, publishing experts expect a Good Friday release so children can finish reading on Saturday and Rowling can announce her next series about Harry’s resurrection and ascension on Easter Sunday.