UnNews:New Samuel L. Jackson movie, "Goats In A Tree"

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7 June 2009

"I'm tired of these motherfuckin goats in these motherfuckin trees!"

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Locations are being scouted for a new Samuel L. Jackson actioner, a sequel to the fast paced documentary Snakes on a Plane, tentatively titled "Goats In A Tree". National Geographic has put down a cool half a million dollars in start up costs for what promises to be fantastic UnNews article.

A script has solidified, and this intrepid reporter has secreted a copy for the purpose of spoiling the premier, in retaliation for being blacklisted from the Oscars by Jacksons' management company, Cartesian Coordinate Talent.

The backstory is sketched for the audience in the opening minutes of the film. After the smashing success of Yasser Arafats' program of hijacking airliners and threatening to kill hostages for demands impossible to meet, the less sophisticated but determined Islamic Fundamentalists of West Africa began to agitate for their own purposes. Throughout the 1960s, Moroccan terrorists had attempted unsuccessfully to hijack trees from the Morocco to France. Problem: there are goats in the trees, Why are there goats in the trees?

Fade to black...

A beaten and bloodied terrorist Hassan Mohammed Al-Paramecium is being escorted aboard an Air Force transport by FBI agents Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) and John Sanders (Mark Houghton), whos' roles have been resurrected from "Snakes On A Plane". During an impromptu hurricane, the three passengers are swept off course and end up over Casablanca, flying at rooftop level and crash into a mosque a few kilometres outside the city, after 77 seconds of seat-of-your-pants, explosive action.

The trio are stranded in an old Berber goatsherds' settlement, where the local product are known to climb trees, seemingly scanning the horizon. This makes for a quaint tourist attraction for the occasional shutterbug. However, after months of being stranded, forced to endure a harsh lifestyle with the locals, Jacksons' character finally snaps, saying, "I'm tired of these motherfuckin goats in these motherfuckin trees!"

As for the remaining 34 minutes of the film, watching it is a masochistic excercise at best. Better for you, dear reader, to insert a moped into your left nostril and sing an Aria for the Queen.