UnNews:No Smoking in UK, ANYWHERE!

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25 April 2007

Oi! You can't smoke there mate!

Smokers in England will soon be forbidden to light up within a fifteen mile radius of the nearest human being. The ban, due to come into force at some indeterminate time in the near future, will be policed by an army of enforcement officers who will be allowed to utilise "lethal force" as necessary.

"Cigarettes? Filthy habit by jove!" Hang on thats a pipe isn't it? "Oh read the bloody article, pipes are allowed!"

Government health spokesman Harry Glumturoun, a former army major with a moustache, was uncompromising in warning anyone who intends to flout the ban, "any one who disobeys this law can, and indeed will be shot on sight," he said last night.

The Health Act 2006 says "smoke-free" places will be "any such place where a living, breathing human being is located within a designated fifteen mile radius". To the relief of many nicotine addicts the act stopped short of including animals in the exclusion zone.

However, Mr Glumturoun, himself smoking a pipe, did highlight that "the act does have one concession whereby smoking rooms can be provided in reinforced, unlit and unventilated steel rooms which are to be buried up to a depth of no less than sixty feet beneath the ground."

"We will also allow the smoking of pipes, as they smell nice and are actually proven to be beneficial to health. However, this will only be restricted to old retired army majors, with moustaches."

Scotland, which employed the ban ahead of England, has to date this year put 550 ban flouters to death, "Basically, it's all about saving lives", Scottish health spokesman Jamie McShitester said last night.