UnNews:Obama to try health care one more time

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22 February 2010

(File photo) "I've got Republicans right where I want them now," President Obama said on Monday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a last-ditch effort, U.S. President Barack Obama put forward yet another health care bill, this time, one that would let the government roll back insurance increases that infuriate consumers and drive this unbiased reporter Bat Fuck Insane.

But almost all Republicans oppose it and even some Democrats are having second thoughts this close to the election in November.

The plan was placed on the White House Web site. "You see? a public copy everyone can read," said the President. He is scheduled to meet with Republicans on Thursday for a unique, innovative, televised arm-twisting session. "That'll be on C-SPAN. Another promise kept!" the President added.

Republicans scornfully said that the document is technically not a bill but a PowerPoint presentation, but the President was unfazed. "The people said 2400 pages was too much, so I listened, and got this one done in 11." Presumably, it will be left to Congress to reinsert the sweetheart deals to unions and powerful legislators, the new taxes, and the unique system in which every American's health will be guaranteed by an annual rectal exam administered by the IRS.

The Republican leaders in Congress, whose names weren't immediately known, panned the proposal, one of them saying, "It's the same proposal we said 'No' to before. How many more times do we have to keep saying 'No'?" House Speaker Nancy Pelosi smiled and muttered, "Right up to November, if you please."