UnNews:Pope appoints first non-human Primate

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12 November 2009

Newly-appointed Primate Clyde "Right Turn" Meninges of the Netherlands blesses the crowd after his affirmation ceremony in Utrecht.

VATICAN CITY, Rome, Italy -- History was made today the when Rev. Father Clyde "Right Turn" Meninges was appointed as the first non-human Primate of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Utrecht, the Netherlands by Pope Benedict XVI. Up until this point, no positions of power have been granted to apes by the Catholic Church.

Archbishop Meninges succeeds Thomas Gibbon as the figurative head of the Catholic Church in the Netherlands. Rumors place Fr. Gibbon at several waterfront houses of prostitution, playing baccarat with Church funds, bribing Dutch government officials, and partying with off-duty police on hundreds of occasions since he first ascended to Primacy in December of 2004.

The Diocese of Utrecht was established in 695 when Saint Willibrord was consecrated bishop of the Frisians at Rome by Pope Sergius I. With the consent of the Frankish ruler, Pippin of Herstal, he settled at the market-town of Utrecht. After Willibrord's death the diocese suffered greatly from the incursions of the Frisians, and later on of the Normans.[1]

The appointment was marred by a minor shit throwing incident.