UnNews:President Clinton hospitalized, says it is ‘Due to frenetic pace’, then winks

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12 February 2010

Nurses under the age of 29 have been banned from President Clinton's room.

NEW YORK, New York -- Former U.S. President Bill Clinton, 63, was admitted to a Columbia campus hospital Thursday morning, where he had two stents inserted into his heart.

The 42nd President seemed to be recovering fine and was answering questions from reporters by early evening. When asked if the heart problems were related to his quadruple bypass surgery in 2004, he simply said “This is due solely to the pace by which I’ve been living my life this past year,” followed by a very exaggerated wink. It was reported that President Clinton had returned from Haiti with a minor cold, which may have gradually taken a toll on him. “Nothing a little penicillin won’t clear up,” he said.

Ever since President Obama’s victory and inauguration, President Clinton has been involved in speaking engagements all across the country. “Yeah, I’ve done some enGAGments, mostly on college campuses, if you know what I mean,” he said, interrupting himself with his trademark laugh. “Those co-eds really know how to treat a speaker.”

The President’s daughter, Chelsea Clinton, visited her father in the hospital after his surgery. She commented, “My father is doing well and, after visiting with him today, I can clearly see his spirits are up.” President Clinton chuckled loudly and said, “My spirit isn’t the only thing that’s up,” then sharply nudged a reporter with his elbow.

Wife Hillary Clinton left a White House meeting early to get to the hospital before visiting hours. She entered her husband’s room and was given the chance to speak to him in private, where she loudly and violently comforted him before announcing she would delay plans for a trip to the Middle East until Saturday to “Keep a closer eye on the bastard.” President Clinton had the last word, however, waiting quietly for his wife to leave before whispering “Thank God she’s still going to leave before Valentine’s Day. After this weekend, I might need two more stents put in.”