UnNews:Rapture proves Kirk Cameron right, Stephen Hawking wrong

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21 May 2011

"More like, kiss my Left Behind! Nah, I'm just kidding. It wouldn't be very Christian of me if I wasn't."

EARTH, God's Majestic Universe -- This week's feud between the world-renown theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking and former Growing Pains actor Kirk Cameron was put to rest when Cameron was raptured up to Paradise, leaving his robot nemesis to sulk in his pathetic wrongness.

The playful banter began when Prof. Hawking gave his opinions on the nature of consciousness and the possible existence of life after death in an interview with The Guardian:

Cquote1.png I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark. Cquote2.png

This garnered a response from Kirk Cameron, himself a former atheist turned Christian evangelist and apologist. Cameron wrote on his Facebook page:

Cquote1.png To say anything negative about Stephen Hawking is like bullying a blind man. He has an unfair disadvantage, and that gives him a free pass on some of his absurd ideas. Professor Hawking is heralded as "the genius of Britain," yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything....and that life sprang from non-life. To speak on issues of science and violate it's essential laws is like playing checkers with a someone who changes the rules when he's losing. Why should anyone believe Mr. Hawking's writings if he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came? Cquote2.png

Cameron went on to say, "I'm a Creationist, so I know absurd ideas when I hear them!"

Before Hawking could give a rebuttal or offer a proper debate, leading to what would could've been either the inevitable final battle of Christianity and Atheism or one giant "Yo mama's so fat" dissathon, Cameron experienced the May 21, 2011 Rapture as predicted by Christian radio host Harold Camping. Thus, Christianity was declared the winner by default.

Post-Rapture, Stephen Hawking gave a press conference on the fact that his worldview was completely demolished, in which he stated:

Cquote1.png Awwwww crap. I. Was. Wrong. There. I ad. mit it. I guess my. Bran. Sorry. Brain. Is not. As. Superi-OR. As I. Had. Thought. I mean. I was outsmar. Ted. By Mike. Fucking Seaver. If. Only. I. Had applied. My. Advanced. Mathematical. Knowledge. To studying. The. Holy Scrip. Tures. As Mister. Camping did. Instead. Of the. You. Knee. Verse. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.... Cquote2.png

It was at this point that Prof. Hawking repeatedly pressed the same button, making his computer voice box exclaim "Fuck me" for 20 minutes.

Though intellectually defeated, Hawking, however, is not deterred. The brilliant mind in a useless body told reporters that he plans to spend the rest of the weekend having his wheelchair pimped out Simpsons-style in order to helicopter his way up to the Pearly Gates. If this endeavor proves to be fruitless, he'll use his extensive knowledge of the material universe and Oxford engineer 'Yes' men to create a Stargate to the afterlife. Finally, if all else fails, he'll simply become the Antichrist himself. When asked why he wouldn't accept Jesus in his heart, he stated that it was preferable to spend the Apocalypse doing exciting things rather than to be cooped up in boring old church.


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