UnNews:Rare Java Runtime Environment Revision 9 installed

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21 November 2006

Dangerous and obscure code placed on computer.

LOS ANGELES - A rare ninth revision of the mysterious Java Runtime Environment was installed on a small office computer today in an undisclosed location.

The revision is filled with complicated secret codes, and is apparently supposed to make certain graphic elements of the Windows XP system run smoother, or some suchshit, although no noticeable difference was immediately discerned after the installation.

Java is an obscure kind of parasitic program that theoretically operates on top of several layers of other kinds programs, including DOS, Windows, HTML, and possibly SQUINX. Unsubstantiated reports suggest that certain combinations of symbols, letters and numbers are used to give commands to other parts of these programs, causing them to respond by creating or modifying graphic elements presented on a glowing viewscreen.

In spite of heroic efforts made by earlier programmers working in secret locations worldwide, Java Runtime Environment Revision 8 was apparently no longer able to work well with several other programs.

"Most people using Revision 8 probably don't realize that they are using an inferior and possibly dangerous older version," commented one programmer on the condition of anonymity. "We're not the bad guys. We'd like to try and minimize the pain and misery that could be caused by using the older revision, but sometimes you just can't save people from themselves."

Rumors persist that work on a Revision 10 has already begun, immediately calling into question the reason for creating a Revision 9 in the first place.

International law enforcement agencies are continuing their efforts to find and bring the creators of Java Runtime Environment to justice.