UnNews:Sex "cuts public speaking stress"

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8 January 2007

Former rugby internationalist Manmountain Dense, who now prefers to be called Penelope, testifies to the efficacy of Dr Bomis' findings. "Although I still believe a nice cup of tea and a sit-down has its place," says Penelope, "that can wait till after jumping a large and luscious erection first thing in the morning. Starts my day with a smile, I can tell you."

UNIVERSITY OF LOVE, Department of That's A Bit Bloody Convenient, Thursday (UNN Health and Efficiency) — Forget learning lines or polishing jokes — having sex may be the best way to prepare for giving a speech. Stuart Bomis, psychological researcher and sexual beast, has scientifically proven that sex helps keep stress at bay. As if that weren't obvious.

However, only penetrative intercourse did the trick — other forms of sex had no impact on stress levels at all. Science proves that proper stress relief requires a good, solid pounding, preferably from Dr Bomis.

For a fortnight, 24 women and 22 men kept diaries of how often they engaged in various forms of sex, then underwent a stress test involving public speaking and performing mental arithmetic out loud while his huge cock was up them.

Volunteers who had gotten some dick were found to be the least stressed, and their blood pressure returned to normal faster than those who had engaged in other forms of sexual activity such as masturbation. It was also much more difficult to get the grins off their faces.

Those who abstained from any form of sexual activity at all had the highest blood pressure response to stress and should probably have had a drink or two if they were so bloody uptight that no-one would come near them.

Dr Bomis said it was possible the calming effect was linked to the stimulation of a wide variety of nerves which takes place during penetrative intercourse, but not other forms of sex, implying that the more athletic and gymnastic the intercourse, the better. He said it made sense in evolutionary terms for finally getting banged properly to be associated with a wide range of positive effects on behaviour.

"A growing body of research shows that it is specifically intercourse, and not other sexual behaviours, whether alone or with a partner, that is associated with a broad range of psychological and physiological benefits. And greater frequency of intercourse is associated with greater benefits. Particularly with me. Feeling stressed? I'm damn fine with a backrub, love."

But Dr Peter Bollock, a social and political psychologist at the University of Tightlipped, said there were other ways to prepare for a speech that were more likely to reduce stress. "You are probably better off thinking about what you are going to say, and preparing thoroughly, rather than having sex the previous night. You filthy little monkeys." Dr Bomis responded to Dr Bollock's opinion with the loud, hearty laugh of a winner in the evolutionary stakes comprehensively trouncing a hopelessly outclassed competitor.