UnNews:Shock: Something Found that Doesn't Kill You
2 August 2006
It has long been a tradition of science to prove that something is in fact bad for you when it has never killed anyone before. Examples include radiation, bashing your head against a brick wall and Grues.
However, Professor Otto de Rahbisch, of the President Dick Cheney Grue Research Institute, believes he has discovered a substance that is completely non-fatal and leads to a life extension. In addition, it is easily available, free, and there is no such thing as an allergy to it.
On this miraculous substance, Professor de Rahbisch stated, "Ja, ja, ve haf found zumpthink zat vill not kill you no matter how much zer Fuhrer vants it to. Zis material iss called, plutonium. Ein dose of plutonium per day vill give you ein stupid accent, but vill not kill you. Indeed, it does make you liff longer, and it even giffs you a conversation piece..."
Other sources, however, are not convinced. Twin-Headed Bob, as he wishes to be called to preserve his identity (although his real name is Mr Robert Smith of 666 Asmodeus Way, Lucifersville, OK has commented, "Sure, it gives you a conversation piece. Such a pity that piece is a second head."
More on this breaking story when the pieces have been glued back together.